Me Blonde!!!!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Plans for January
Well, it's official. I am registered at UCFV for the winter semester. After really struggling with this and feeling lost and confused I have made up my mind. I'm sorry if I have let you down by not attending CBC, but I really feel in my heart that UCFV is where I am supposed to be. The thing is that I was hiding and fear was what was holding me back. I was afraid of my art and my ability to create it. You see, I have been living in constant fear of failing, as a person, failing my friends and failing my God. Life is too short to live in fear and hide. God keeps calling me ato a purpose larger than myself and it is selfish to do my own thing even when it is under the guise of Bible College. I felt like I had to follow my friends to keep them and remain accepted by them. But I know better than that, I know that isn't true. I need to glorify God and I'm not if i'm squandering talent and prentending to be happy. Sorry about the whirlwind...it has been an emotional roller coaster for me too. But now I'm settled, still scared but settled. I think that life will be good.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
AHHHHHH
So overwhelmed lately!! Here is where I sit. I am registered for classes at CBC. I'm all pumped and excited for Bible College and my classes as well as seeing more of my two best friends (one of them is you Nicole). However, feel this deep sadness and loss for my art and for everything that I have worked for over the last 5 years. My dilemma, I am tired of wasting time, I want school done with so that I can move out, travel, have a life outside if the 8 dollars an hour restriction that I find myself. I don't know what to do. My heart longs to learn about my creator and the book that is left for us to find comfort and guidance in, but I also long for my art, my dreams of seeing my stuff in a gallery one day. Niether of these can be ignored. CBC, although it is a great institution, will never be able to give me an accredited degree and i will have to take out student loans and be massively in debt by the time that I am 25. My art path will give me a career, a job and at half the cost, as well as the opportunity to travel and do more schooling.
HELP!!!! God is being so silent!!
AHHHHHHHHH.......
HELP!!!! God is being so silent!!
AHHHHHHHHH.......
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Why I hate money...
Just the other night I was working. It was a very slow night, hardly a soul between midnight and five am. We had the occasional mid-week after bar partier but that was about it. A man came in toting a huge bag, filled with all of his earthly belongings. As he sat and took off his coat I noticed the dirt that rolled off of him and fell to the floor. Not assuming much I walked over and offered him some coffee, he accepted and I poured him a mug. "Boy I can't tell you how greatful I am for a hot drink on such a cold night", he commented. Offering a lame reply I grabbed my order pad and my pen. He looked at the menu and ordered a side of fries. I asked him if he wanted gravy or mayo to dip them in. He told me that he couldn't afford any and I politely took his menu and posted his order. As I waited for the order my boss filled me in on this particular customer. She told me that he used to be a regular, coming quite often with his wife and kids to have a great big family feast, and when you eat at Rocko's you don't get anything but. One time he came in by himself and had said that the Misses had kicked him out and that he wasn't allowed to see the kids anymore. Eventually he stopped coming all together and dropped out of mind. "I guess he lost everything in that divorce", my boss said, "Even his home". After savouring his fries and having a refill of his coffee he fell asleep. I wasn't really sure what to do, I was told that I should kick people out if they are just lingering or if they are trying to use the diner as a shelter. But something within me just filled with compassion for this man so I let him sleep. He slept for hours. Waking up every so often just to look around and make sure that he wasn't in the way of anything that I needed to do. Each time he woke up he would meet my gaze with a expression of joy and gratitude that he wasn't huddled in some back alley trying to sleep in the cold and wet. Around the time that I was finishing my shift, he came to the counter to pay. He paid for his fries and coffee and left me a tip. A twoonie. I stood there looking at the money in my hand as all of the world passed by. I couldn't believe it. I had been tipped by a homeless man...that is generosity right there. In the palm of my hand I held his ticket to a warm coffee or a shower, maybe even a meal. I wanted desprately to give it back to him. To tell him to keep it, but before I could he was gone. As I drove home I couldn't help but feel a sense of anger course through my blood. That twoonie was what separated me from him, that is all it takes in this world. He would be looked down on, stepped over and cast aside simply because he didn't have any money. And I would be respected, wanted, and loved by this world because I had some. I couldn't believe it. Nothing made me different from this man except the fact that I make 8 dollars an hour and he makes whatever he can pan handling. That sucks. I hate how materialistic we are and I hate how part of me just assumes that there is something wrong with people who live in the streets. How many times have I claimed God's love and stepped over someone huddled on the street? How often have I just averted my eyes and pretended I didn't see them? That makes me sick. I hate money because on some level it controls everyone. I just really hate it...
Communism is looking pretty good right now..
**Lord Jesus watch over that man and keep him safe. Teach me to love and teach me that all I have is yours. I can't live in two camps, God, teach me to live in yours. Everything that I have kept for myself is yours. Take my finances and show me how to be a steward. Take me on this journey and lead me step by step. I am yours.**
Communism is looking pretty good right now..
**Lord Jesus watch over that man and keep him safe. Teach me to love and teach me that all I have is yours. I can't live in two camps, God, teach me to live in yours. Everything that I have kept for myself is yours. Take my finances and show me how to be a steward. Take me on this journey and lead me step by step. I am yours.**
Sunday, November 19, 2006
this morning...
At one thirty in the morning he stepped out of the cold and into the diner. Putting the mop bucket back in to it's pail I offered a cheery hello and grabbed a mug and a coffee pot. "Can I start you off with some coffee this morning, sir?" I asked placing a spoon and a napkin in front of him. "Yes please Darlin'", he replied. "Would you like to see a menu as well?" I asked as I poured his coffee. "That would be great", he smiled at me. It was one of those smiles that seem to betray your plans to keep your pain a secret and it seemed to tug at the very core of my being. I passed him a menu and told him to take his time, he was the only one in the diner. Sipping from his hot mug he began to peruse the menu. Before long I learned that his dad had passed away not eight months ago and that his dad was a baker and had had baked the cake for his wedding. Which lead to the real reason he was here. He was single again and needed a warm place to cure the sting of loneliness this particular cold night had brought. He talked about how happy he and his wife once were and the gift of life that their love had conceived and how he wished that everything could just go back to the way that it was. He spoke of his mistakes that caused the train wreck his marriage was rapidly becoming. He and his wife sought counselling and started to attend Church. It was an uphill fight, for every step forward they seemed to take two steps back. He thought they were on their way to success. One time during a counselling session he confessed to looking at pornography and smoking marijuana. Shortly after his wife filed for divorce, she couldn't handle that she had married a man who would do this. His wife told her pastor and he was shunned from that community and kicked out of his house. While I understand his wife's horror and how she felt that all the trust that she had given lay smashed on the floor, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Here was a man who had honestly tried to put his life back together and there he sat, kicked to the curb by loved ones and those he trusted.
As he sat with his eyes closed, body swaying to the sounds of country music lamenting over lost relationships I couldn't help but hope that my God, the God of comfort, the God of Heaven and earth was bending His ear to this broken man's silent prayer. Like a wave crashing on the shore a sense of awe came over me. Had Jesus been at that diner this is the man that he would have been sitting across from. Although he had been rejected by everyone, even those who claim to follow Jesus, this was it right in front of me, this was who Jesus had come to die for.
Clearing his dishes I began to think "Am I really all that different?". I too have struggled with sin, been rejected from my peers and been broken to the core. But How had I embraced my brokenness? Had I been comforted by the fact that that God alone can sustain me, that I can do nothing on my own? Or had I just simply swept it under the rug, like I do most things, and pretend that it isn't there. Maybe I am still clinging on the fact that if I deny it long enough it will just go away. And I started to wonder that maybe pretending that I am not broken is what is keeping God at a distance. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted". So here I am, declaring that I too am broken and that Jesus' sacrifice is all that can heal me. I may never be healed, because nothing on this earth can bring me healing. Nothing but the love of a savior, who thousands of years ago bore a crown of thorns that were meant for me. But I leave this post with a sense of peace, knowing that God is a little bit closer and that I can be whole and broken all at the same time. My life is yours...Sweet Jesus.
As he sat with his eyes closed, body swaying to the sounds of country music lamenting over lost relationships I couldn't help but hope that my God, the God of comfort, the God of Heaven and earth was bending His ear to this broken man's silent prayer. Like a wave crashing on the shore a sense of awe came over me. Had Jesus been at that diner this is the man that he would have been sitting across from. Although he had been rejected by everyone, even those who claim to follow Jesus, this was it right in front of me, this was who Jesus had come to die for.
Clearing his dishes I began to think "Am I really all that different?". I too have struggled with sin, been rejected from my peers and been broken to the core. But How had I embraced my brokenness? Had I been comforted by the fact that that God alone can sustain me, that I can do nothing on my own? Or had I just simply swept it under the rug, like I do most things, and pretend that it isn't there. Maybe I am still clinging on the fact that if I deny it long enough it will just go away. And I started to wonder that maybe pretending that I am not broken is what is keeping God at a distance. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted". So here I am, declaring that I too am broken and that Jesus' sacrifice is all that can heal me. I may never be healed, because nothing on this earth can bring me healing. Nothing but the love of a savior, who thousands of years ago bore a crown of thorns that were meant for me. But I leave this post with a sense of peace, knowing that God is a little bit closer and that I can be whole and broken all at the same time. My life is yours...Sweet Jesus.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Isaiah 53
Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
**Praise be to you Father, you are the author and perfector of life itself!! Please answer my cry, bend your ear to me and shape me me to see and hear you. All this I lay at your feet. Thank you for the sacrifice of your son and for all that you do for me everyday. Prepare me for what is to come. My life is yours, hear my cry and be gracious to me. Show me the way that I must live and show me to be grateful no matter the blessing!! I love you Lord, here at your feet I await your presence.**
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
**Praise be to you Father, you are the author and perfector of life itself!! Please answer my cry, bend your ear to me and shape me me to see and hear you. All this I lay at your feet. Thank you for the sacrifice of your son and for all that you do for me everyday. Prepare me for what is to come. My life is yours, hear my cry and be gracious to me. Show me the way that I must live and show me to be grateful no matter the blessing!! I love you Lord, here at your feet I await your presence.**
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Another Day, A Better Place
O Lord, You know I love You
That I’d never cause You pain
That I’ll follow You forever
Through hell, through death, through shame
Yes, I’ve made my resolution
To always stand up tall
But the rooster crowed this evening
And night began to fall
And I knew that I’d been called out
So hold me now when only hopelessness is found
And love me when my brokenness is all around
Kiss me in the dead of night, the lonely ache
And tell me now that I will see another day,
A better place
O You know I didn’t mean to
That I am crying for Your pain
That I don’t deserve to follow
I deserve Your scorn, Your shame
But I look across the courtyard
And I’m struck full by Your gaze
And I know what You are saying
You know me deeply in this place
And You adore me just the same
---By Simon Hoskyn
That I’d never cause You pain
That I’ll follow You forever
Through hell, through death, through shame
Yes, I’ve made my resolution
To always stand up tall
But the rooster crowed this evening
And night began to fall
And I knew that I’d been called out
So hold me now when only hopelessness is found
And love me when my brokenness is all around
Kiss me in the dead of night, the lonely ache
And tell me now that I will see another day,
A better place
O You know I didn’t mean to
That I am crying for Your pain
That I don’t deserve to follow
I deserve Your scorn, Your shame
But I look across the courtyard
And I’m struck full by Your gaze
And I know what You are saying
You know me deeply in this place
And You adore me just the same
---By Simon Hoskyn
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Life
This week I am reminded of the fragility and delicacy of life. On Thursday we had to have one of our horses put down. He was sick and dying. It all came quite suddenly with a stomach ache and lead to a twisted intestine which left all of the toxins in his body nowhere to go but back into his blood stream. It was very sad. Though I had never ridden him and wasn't there when the vet came, I cried as I watched them drag his carcass into the back of a non-descript truck and drive him away. A sad sight for all of us who looked on, not even a girls night out with martinis could cure the sting of what had happened that day. This probably seems a little bit dramatic for you, and looking back it seems a little drawn out and dramatic for myself but this is the first time that I have dealt with the death of an animal that I watched deteriorate. "It's just a horse", is what you are probably thinking, but to me it is more than that.It reminds me that life is incredibly fragile, and is something that should not be taken lightly. I spend too much of my time trying to be someone I'm not that when things go bad I can't even rely on myself to be strong. Why am I so afraid to be myself? I have wasted the past 20 years (Oh my gosh, 20 years--- that is two decades!!) trying to meet someone else's expectations and fashioning myself after what they want. RIDICULOUS!! INSANITY!! So today, I start anew. I am going to be who I am and who God is shaping me to be. I don't what to be forty and realize that I am so far from who I am that I can't function. I'm going to do my own thing while I serve this untameable God of mine. I'm going to throw caution to the wind and know that God will provide, wherever I am. I'm excited. Out from the shadows I come. I'm throwing off this mask and if you don't like it, don't watch--- I'm sorry but I can't stay squished in your box forever. If you do like it, join me and watch because my God is going to do something amazing!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
well, I guess this is the part where I come up with something extraordinary...sorry, but nothing comes to mind. I spent the day vacuumming (or however you spell that!!). First it was the cabins, then the bunk house. I am leaving here in less than a week and although I am excited to have a life again and to see my family and friends, I'm a little nervous. Nervous about a job and basically everything that comes along with reality. Oh well. Time to bite the bullet, I guess. well, sorry folks that is all I got (for now)...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Well, I have been living in my tower for 21 days and all is well. I love my tower. Next time I will try and post some pictures of my room on the toppest top part of my tower. My room is quite quaint. Filled with pictures and a psychadelic duvet cover that is on loan from my brother. I often think of a fairy tale when I walk up those steps. I like to stand on my balcony and think of Rapunzel, except that I haven't much hair and sometimes after a hard day of cleaning toilets and showers I think of Cinderella. Don't ask why...I think that I have become obsessed with the idea, to be frank. It is so wierd how someting so childish has just taken control of my day dreams and has become some kind of unattainable goal demands all of my attention. It's Mother/Daughter camp here at the ranch this weekend and there are plenty of little girls parading around as though they own the place and as though they are the most precious jewel in the world. It really is quite sweet. Really.
It gets my attention. What is it that makes me not believe the same thing? Is it failed relationships? Dashed dreams? Worldly advice? What exactly is it? And somehow I can't even seem to find that answer, let alone the time that I stopped believing that.
It is something so precious to know and believe that you are a princess.
For some reason we have stopped believeing that we are nothing better than what the world expects us to be. We have replaced our riches with rags and haven't noticed. We have put down our crowns and have donned the clothes of the pauper, and all for what? So that someone in this world will notice? So that we could fit in with the popular crowd?
I've done it...in fact I do it just about everyday, I step over my ballgown and glass slippers and put on a raggity old pair of jeans and stained t-shirt. When was the last time that I proclaimed the truth that I am a daughter of the king? When was the last time that you did it?
A friend of mine from high school (here's your plug Simon) wrote this incredibly amazing song that shook me to my core. Here is the chorus:
What if I did? What if I did?
Gave my whole life, let it all fly
Stepped before sight, and lost the whole world
Fell into real life, traded plastic for pearls
So what if I did? What if I traded my cheap plastic costume jewelry for pearls? What would that mean? How then would I live? Cos I'm pretty sure that life would be sweet. What is it that makes all of this so hard? Why do I have such a problem with this ball gown? It fits, it was made just for me. Hand tailored by the same man that paints the sunsets and waters the stars.
Now that I think on it, I don't think that it is the ballgown at all that bothers me, it is the ever-shrinking box in which I allow myself to dream that is the problem. And I don't want to live in this box anymore. I want the pearls more than my mind is ashamed to admit to that fact. I want to pull out that ballgown and show it off. I'm tired of hiding what I have and I'm frustrated with knowing all the right steps and choosing to be a wallflower. I want to dance out loud and, most importantly I want to be held in powerful and safe arms of my deepest love.
So come on girls, lets do it. But not just for one night- lets do it forever. Lets be the princesses we were meant to be. Lets put on those pearls and parade them around...I know that i want to....
It gets my attention. What is it that makes me not believe the same thing? Is it failed relationships? Dashed dreams? Worldly advice? What exactly is it? And somehow I can't even seem to find that answer, let alone the time that I stopped believing that.
It is something so precious to know and believe that you are a princess.
For some reason we have stopped believeing that we are nothing better than what the world expects us to be. We have replaced our riches with rags and haven't noticed. We have put down our crowns and have donned the clothes of the pauper, and all for what? So that someone in this world will notice? So that we could fit in with the popular crowd?
I've done it...in fact I do it just about everyday, I step over my ballgown and glass slippers and put on a raggity old pair of jeans and stained t-shirt. When was the last time that I proclaimed the truth that I am a daughter of the king? When was the last time that you did it?
A friend of mine from high school (here's your plug Simon) wrote this incredibly amazing song that shook me to my core. Here is the chorus:
What if I did? What if I did?
Gave my whole life, let it all fly
Stepped before sight, and lost the whole world
Fell into real life, traded plastic for pearls
So what if I did? What if I traded my cheap plastic costume jewelry for pearls? What would that mean? How then would I live? Cos I'm pretty sure that life would be sweet. What is it that makes all of this so hard? Why do I have such a problem with this ball gown? It fits, it was made just for me. Hand tailored by the same man that paints the sunsets and waters the stars.
Now that I think on it, I don't think that it is the ballgown at all that bothers me, it is the ever-shrinking box in which I allow myself to dream that is the problem. And I don't want to live in this box anymore. I want the pearls more than my mind is ashamed to admit to that fact. I want to pull out that ballgown and show it off. I'm tired of hiding what I have and I'm frustrated with knowing all the right steps and choosing to be a wallflower. I want to dance out loud and, most importantly I want to be held in powerful and safe arms of my deepest love.
So come on girls, lets do it. But not just for one night- lets do it forever. Lets be the princesses we were meant to be. Lets put on those pearls and parade them around...I know that i want to....
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Caterpillar
"What is death to the caterpillar is a butterfly to the master"
Ponder that for a moment...
Okay, now that you are done pondering, guess where I heard that quote...
Yup, you guessed right--it was at a photography conference. I was recently going through some old journals of mine and poof there it was....big as pie. I heard that quote when I was in a place of searching for God and all my efforts were futile. For some reason it stuck though, and for some reason I never associated it with photography but with God.
It really seems to apply in my life right now and I have started to ponder the idea myself. As you may know, I have deviated from the plans that I had set out for myself. I seem to have come across something better, God's plan. As hard as it is for myself to lay down my plans and follow into the unknown and as hard as it is for those around me to see me give up something that I have worked so hard to achieve, I know that something much better lies ahead.
It is a death--- a death of my expectations, my parents' dreams, the world's hope for me to get rich and live well. But as a Christian I should be willing to deny myself for God right?? Let's ponder deny...okay...definition--to refuse to recognize or acknowledge; disown; disavow; repudiate. I like that. This summer I have layed down my life, my worldly self has died to the desire of my King. My life is no onger my own. Please rise and have a moment of silence out of respect for the caterpillar within me who can only cling to the dirt on the ground looking at the sky hoping to soar...she is dead. I have been immerged from my coccoon ready to soar. My life will never be the same. Instead of spindly little legs I have been given wings. Great big beautiful wings, full of color and hope. Wings that carry me wherever the wind blows. I suddenly have a new perspective. Things of this world seem so small, so insignificant. My new world is so much bigger, so much brighter and so much more in tune with God. He is the wind that guides me and I have every faith that what I am doing is His will. He has humbled me and alone deserves the glory for anything good that can come from me. It is in His arms I rest and in Him that I trust.
**God you know what you are doing..Help me trust that. Keep me humble so that I can hear your voice. Remain faithful and true and allow me to honor you in all that I do. Your ways are much higher than mine and your plans are far, far greater. Thank you for this freedom and thank you for these wings. You truly are a great God. You are my heart's desire. I love you. And in you alone am I satisfied. Mould me and make me. I am at your feet.**
Ponder that for a moment...
Okay, now that you are done pondering, guess where I heard that quote...
Yup, you guessed right--it was at a photography conference. I was recently going through some old journals of mine and poof there it was....big as pie. I heard that quote when I was in a place of searching for God and all my efforts were futile. For some reason it stuck though, and for some reason I never associated it with photography but with God.
It really seems to apply in my life right now and I have started to ponder the idea myself. As you may know, I have deviated from the plans that I had set out for myself. I seem to have come across something better, God's plan. As hard as it is for myself to lay down my plans and follow into the unknown and as hard as it is for those around me to see me give up something that I have worked so hard to achieve, I know that something much better lies ahead.
It is a death--- a death of my expectations, my parents' dreams, the world's hope for me to get rich and live well. But as a Christian I should be willing to deny myself for God right?? Let's ponder deny...okay...definition--to refuse to recognize or acknowledge; disown; disavow; repudiate. I like that. This summer I have layed down my life, my worldly self has died to the desire of my King. My life is no onger my own. Please rise and have a moment of silence out of respect for the caterpillar within me who can only cling to the dirt on the ground looking at the sky hoping to soar...she is dead. I have been immerged from my coccoon ready to soar. My life will never be the same. Instead of spindly little legs I have been given wings. Great big beautiful wings, full of color and hope. Wings that carry me wherever the wind blows. I suddenly have a new perspective. Things of this world seem so small, so insignificant. My new world is so much bigger, so much brighter and so much more in tune with God. He is the wind that guides me and I have every faith that what I am doing is His will. He has humbled me and alone deserves the glory for anything good that can come from me. It is in His arms I rest and in Him that I trust.
**God you know what you are doing..Help me trust that. Keep me humble so that I can hear your voice. Remain faithful and true and allow me to honor you in all that I do. Your ways are much higher than mine and your plans are far, far greater. Thank you for this freedom and thank you for these wings. You truly are a great God. You are my heart's desire. I love you. And in you alone am I satisfied. Mould me and make me. I am at your feet.**
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Emloyment Agreement Package
I built a fortress, with a hundred thousand faces,
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.
I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.
'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.
You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.
I sit here and in my hands I hold my "employment agreement package" that I have to sign and give back to the head honcho here at the ranch. With every pen stroke I do more than just sign my life away for 3 months of scrubbing toilets here at Timberline- I resign my hopes and my desires to the true king. In a sense I turn my back on my parents and I jump, with everything that I am, into the unknown. I'm so scared--- and soooo tired! I have been here for the past 10 weeks, cleaning and vacuuming, running on about 6 hours of sleep a night and I feel part dead. I've past the point of physical exhaustion and I've hit spiritual exhaustion. God is soooo good because only He is carrying me through this. I'm soooo scared, but I know that God will show up and I will trust that He is faithful. It feels like this is the first time in my life that I have thrown caution to the wind and have allowed God's voice to be the reason in my life. I am nothing more than a servant, and He is my king. It is Him I serve and no one else.
**Lord Jesus, hold me and catch me as I jump. You are my king and I love you. I will praise you because you have been so good to me. Restore my spirit and give me rest. My life is yours. I know that you will guide me. Banish my fears and lift me up so that I can see your goodness and see where you are guiding me. Hold me tight, here I go!!**
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.
I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.
'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.
You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.
I sit here and in my hands I hold my "employment agreement package" that I have to sign and give back to the head honcho here at the ranch. With every pen stroke I do more than just sign my life away for 3 months of scrubbing toilets here at Timberline- I resign my hopes and my desires to the true king. In a sense I turn my back on my parents and I jump, with everything that I am, into the unknown. I'm so scared--- and soooo tired! I have been here for the past 10 weeks, cleaning and vacuuming, running on about 6 hours of sleep a night and I feel part dead. I've past the point of physical exhaustion and I've hit spiritual exhaustion. God is soooo good because only He is carrying me through this. I'm soooo scared, but I know that God will show up and I will trust that He is faithful. It feels like this is the first time in my life that I have thrown caution to the wind and have allowed God's voice to be the reason in my life. I am nothing more than a servant, and He is my king. It is Him I serve and no one else.
**Lord Jesus, hold me and catch me as I jump. You are my king and I love you. I will praise you because you have been so good to me. Restore my spirit and give me rest. My life is yours. I know that you will guide me. Banish my fears and lift me up so that I can see your goodness and see where you are guiding me. Hold me tight, here I go!!**
Friday, August 18, 2006
End of week 8 out of 10
As summer comes to a close I find myself excited, terrified, joyous and sad. Excited because I know what lies ahead for me, terrified because I know now that I am only living this way because I am following God and it is going to take all my strength to lean on Him, joyous because I have learned so much and sad because I feel that my time here is not done. My quest for being satisfied only by my creator has proven a challenging road. It requires a check almost every five minutes--there are days when it just comes naturally and days when I can seem to do everything but. I have taken many leaps of faith this summer, but my biggest is yet to come. Something about living in active and constant service to the King has changed my heart. I came to Timberline this summer with a plan and almost right away that plan was thrown upside down. Life is so unpredictable when you are serving an untameable, unpredicatble God. Nevertheless He is good and has blessed me beyond what I could hope for myself. I just need to hang on and enjoy the ride.
**LORD JESUS, TAKE ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I LAY MYSELF AT YOUR FEET AND ASK THAT YOU WOULD USE ME BEYOND ANYTHING THAT I CAN IMAGINE. GUIDE ME AS I JUMP AND CATCH ME IF I FALL. MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE AND MAY I REST IN YOU.**
**LORD JESUS, TAKE ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I LAY MYSELF AT YOUR FEET AND ASK THAT YOU WOULD USE ME BEYOND ANYTHING THAT I CAN IMAGINE. GUIDE ME AS I JUMP AND CATCH ME IF I FALL. MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE AND MAY I REST IN YOU.**
Saturday, July 22, 2006
YUP!! That is me. Granted they aren't the most flattering pictures,(it was close to one in the morning!!) but I do love the color, don't you?? It's pink!! I love my crazy hair..let me know what color I should do next k?? I'll probably color it again in a couple weeks or so. But for now it is sooooo much fun!!
Well, summer is half done and that makes me sad. I wish that I could stay at the ranch for so much longer than the time that I have left. God is amazing!! Life is so good and I'm learning so much!!
I love you all!!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Back...
Well, I am home now--just for the weekend. But I have survived my first two weeks at camp. To be honest, it has been bittersweet. Learning to adjust to the new staff, new rules and learning how to serve God in a completely different way has been quite challenging. I feel energized, lazy, sad and happy all at the same time. I have been blessed to hear long lost friends' stories of their journeys and my heart has been uplifted but tales of joy and burdened by tales of darkness and doubt. How amazing God is that He called me to Timberline..me..I am not worthy of anything except the condemnation that awaits for me without God. His strength is the only way that I can face everyday. It was strange to go back and reconnect and see how others have changed and stayed the same. God is so good. He is soo faithful and HE just pours his blessing down upon us. What an amazing God we have that loves us without us loving Him. This year Timberline celebrates it's 45th anniversary and just knowing that God has been faithful to the vision that He put into the hearts of the two men who started that camp puts a chill in my bones. In came across a verse in Jeremiah that says something along the lines of how God's faithfulness endures from generation to generation.. It is sooo true. His love and faithfulness reign from horizon to horizon. Oh, what a wonderful God we serve!! To know that His faithfulness is something that I can bet my life on overwhelms me. To know that in my brokenness I can have something to lean on is beyond words.
**Father- You are so good and you are soooo faithful. I see it everyday. You truly do amaze me. Burst into my life and continue to show me your greatness. I stand in awe of your majesty. To know that you would reach down from the heavens and whisper to me words of life and truth is something that I will never comprehend. You are so good. For the rest of my days, Lord, I just want to worship you. You are beyond beauty, beyond words and to awesome to contain. I love you**
Here's a song that I have been singing alot lately...Just let it bless you!!
From everlasting to everlasting You are God
From everlasting to everlasting You are God
In holiness you stand secure through culture's shifting sands
Unchanged by all the vanities of man
And as the nations rise and fall your sovereignty remains
You are You are You are the One True God
In faithfulness your love extends through times of turbulence
Adopting those who call upon your name
And every generation joins in songs of grateful praise
You are You are You are the One True God
Eternal immortal invisible God
Eternal immortal invisible God
**Father- You are so good and you are soooo faithful. I see it everyday. You truly do amaze me. Burst into my life and continue to show me your greatness. I stand in awe of your majesty. To know that you would reach down from the heavens and whisper to me words of life and truth is something that I will never comprehend. You are so good. For the rest of my days, Lord, I just want to worship you. You are beyond beauty, beyond words and to awesome to contain. I love you**
Here's a song that I have been singing alot lately...Just let it bless you!!
From everlasting to everlasting You are God
From everlasting to everlasting You are God
In holiness you stand secure through culture's shifting sands
Unchanged by all the vanities of man
And as the nations rise and fall your sovereignty remains
You are You are You are the One True God
In faithfulness your love extends through times of turbulence
Adopting those who call upon your name
And every generation joins in songs of grateful praise
You are You are You are the One True God
Eternal immortal invisible God
Eternal immortal invisible God
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Packin...
well I packed for camp this morning... I even got fancy rubber gloves with feathers on them, like the ladies from the show "How clean is your house". I am always amazed at the amount of stuff that I pack for the week. It truly is astounding!!! PJ's, tooth stuff, hair junk, clothes, Bible, make-up.....The list goes on and on!! As I sit here surrounded by my stuff I begin to wonder about my other baggage. You know the stuff that I take with me everywhere and everyday. The emotional stuff. The remnants of broken relationships, remainders of bad days and the weight of failured endeavors. I am in shock of the amount of hurtful and painful moments in the past that I can dig up in the drop of a hat. And that saddens me. I tell others that God's gift is the now and that He holds the past in the vastness of His grace. When I made a commitment to follow Him I forfeited everything my hopes and dreams, my failures and weaknesses. They all belong to Him. I also gave Him my past because He alone heals and forgives. There is a verse that comes to mind when i think about this it is Matthew 11:28-30
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Wow!! What an idea. He promises not to give us anything that we can't carry and I don't know about you but it is getting pretty hard for me to run for God with all of this extra baggage strapped around my neck!! I want to work with God and learn how live like He intends me to and carrying around all of this extra stuff is making it impossible for me to do so. Lets drop our baggage and run for Him. Let Him take care of that extra 400 pounds of junk that you are carrying. He really didn't want for you hold on to it. Remember that everyday you wake forgiven and that God has cast away all of your sins into the sea of forgetfulness. He holds no grudges and there isn't anything that you can to make him not forgive you. So, put down that bag and run for him. Live freely and lightly!!! Live in his promises!! He will be faithful....
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Wow!! What an idea. He promises not to give us anything that we can't carry and I don't know about you but it is getting pretty hard for me to run for God with all of this extra baggage strapped around my neck!! I want to work with God and learn how live like He intends me to and carrying around all of this extra stuff is making it impossible for me to do so. Lets drop our baggage and run for Him. Let Him take care of that extra 400 pounds of junk that you are carrying. He really didn't want for you hold on to it. Remember that everyday you wake forgiven and that God has cast away all of your sins into the sea of forgetfulness. He holds no grudges and there isn't anything that you can to make him not forgive you. So, put down that bag and run for him. Live freely and lightly!!! Live in his promises!! He will be faithful....
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Praise the Father, Praise the Son and praise the spirit three in one
Such a praise to God for all He does and all that He is. He has answered my prayer to be at camp this summer with a job that has more hours and pays more than my current one. To make things even better the job I have now will re-hire me in the fall!!
I know that this summer will not be easy--I always learn alot of hard lessons at camp-- but I know that it will be amazing because my God wants me there. I am excited to serve Him in active ministry. Such an answer to prayer. And I am soooo excited to be able to share my testimony and be blessed by other testimonies.
All creatures of our God and King,
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Allelu-u-ia!
Thou rushing wind that art so strong,
Ye clouds that sail in heav'n along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising morn, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise GOd and on Him cast your care!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
Let all things their Creator bless,
And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,
And praise the Spirit, Three in One!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
This is the song that truly encompasses how I feel. God your greatness is beyond words....THANK YOU MY SAVIOR...
I know that this summer will not be easy--I always learn alot of hard lessons at camp-- but I know that it will be amazing because my God wants me there. I am excited to serve Him in active ministry. Such an answer to prayer. And I am soooo excited to be able to share my testimony and be blessed by other testimonies.
All creatures of our God and King,
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Allelu-u-ia!
Thou rushing wind that art so strong,
Ye clouds that sail in heav'n along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising morn, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise GOd and on Him cast your care!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
Let all things their Creator bless,
And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,
And praise the Spirit, Three in One!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!
This is the song that truly encompasses how I feel. God your greatness is beyond words....THANK YOU MY SAVIOR...
Friday, June 23, 2006
Story of Hosea
The story of Hosea is a bittersweet one. It is a tale full of heart breaking, gut wrenching, and selfless love. In this Old Testament God calls Hosea to do the unthinkable. God calls one of his very own, a prophet of high standing, to marry a prostitute. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I thought that God was calling me to marry a prostitute that He had found in some shady hotel downtown you can bet that my reaction would be that Jonah’s—to flee to the furthest place I could find in hopes that God would realize His insanity and forget the whole idea. Hosea on the other hand did not. In obedience to His creator he took the prostitute Gomer as his wife.
As crazy as all of this sounds, there really was a deep and moving reason that God called His servant to do this. Israel, at the time, had gotten mixed up. In the Message chapter one of the book of Hosea is labeled, “This Whole Country Has Become A Whorehouse”. Israel was under the reign of a king who endorsed the worship, and worshiped himself, idols. Israel had forgotten the God that had brought Moses to them and who had rescued them from slavery. They had forgotten the God that had plans to restore their lands and who had promised a savior to wash away all of their sins. Hosea and Gomer’s relationship was a parallel of God’s love for his people and the nation of Israel. God wanted to teach His people a lesson through the obedience of His servant Hosea.
Hosea and Gomer had three children and each one is reminder of how God felt about His people. Hosea’s first child, a son, was named Jezreel, as a warning to his people that they would pay for the massacre that happened there. The second child’s name was Lo-ruhamah, meaning “Not Loved”. God had gotten so fed up with the Israelites and their idolatry that He no longer wanted to forgive them. To look upon them tore out the very heart of God. Their third child was named Lo-Ammi which means “Not My People” this was God’s way of telling them that He had officially disowned them and was going to leave them to their fate.
When I was growing up I always thought that the God of the Old Testament was a violent angry God, bent on tearing down and destroying anyone who stepped out of line. I think that is why I find it so astonishing for me to find some of my favorite verses in this book. High school was hard for me. I was never the kind of kid that ever really fit in. I remember hating lunch and breaks between classes because that was the time that normal kids huddled into their cliques and crowded in the cafeteria. Not me. I was kind of kid that hid in the library, or in senior high I hid in the photo lab hoping to escape the humility of publicly eating lunch by yourself. But nothing prepared me for life after high school. I did not transition well. Finding a job was tricky and eventually I got a job as a photographer’s assistant one day a week. The rest of the time I sat around the house and eventually, as with what most high school grads go through, I went through a period of depression. Being inactive and isolated made me angry and very sad. It seemed that life got a little darker everyday. Most of my friends had full-time jobs or where going to college full time, so no one that I knew seemed to be struggling like I was.
My walk with God wasn’t very healthy either. In my darkness all I seemed to get from Him was silence so slowly my life moved in without Him. For almost a year I didn’t read my Bible and I wasn’t looking to be rescued. Eventually I got so desperate that one day in February I cracked open my Bible. I found the book of Hosea and clumsily began reading it. After reading about God not forgiving His people and then disowning them I was surprised to read Hosea 1:10,
“In the place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.' (NIV)
To read that although this vagabond nation had willingly turned their backs on God He took them back lifted my almost numb heart. But, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I read this
For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
(Hosea 5:14-6:3 NIV )
As I sat on my couch reading this passage I could slowly feel my soul awake. I knew that in my heart I hadn’t been living much of a godly life. I had worshipped other things in place of the most high and my life was in shambles because of my choices and my actions. Looking back I realized that I ignored the nudges and whispers of God to come out of my sinful life. Like a spoiled child I cried out to be left alone. For what seemed like an eternity I had been feeling like I was walking alone. All of a sudden I was faced with an image of a God who totally contradicted every single notion that I had of Him. Here was an image a God who wanted to restore His people and bind up their wounds.
That night it was like God reached down from heaven and put my heart back together. He honestly cared about me and longed to have me back. He restored my life and showed me love and compassion that no other idol could bring. I still have my struggles and some days it all seems hopeless, but when I fall to my knees and earnestly seek God I know that He holds my life in His hands and armed with his compassion and love He will rescue me. After all that is what Yahweh means, “ever present rescuer” and that is what He wants for you too. Let His compassion and mercy reach into the depths of your soul. If God can restore an entire nation, surely He can restore you too.
As crazy as all of this sounds, there really was a deep and moving reason that God called His servant to do this. Israel, at the time, had gotten mixed up. In the Message chapter one of the book of Hosea is labeled, “This Whole Country Has Become A Whorehouse”. Israel was under the reign of a king who endorsed the worship, and worshiped himself, idols. Israel had forgotten the God that had brought Moses to them and who had rescued them from slavery. They had forgotten the God that had plans to restore their lands and who had promised a savior to wash away all of their sins. Hosea and Gomer’s relationship was a parallel of God’s love for his people and the nation of Israel. God wanted to teach His people a lesson through the obedience of His servant Hosea.
Hosea and Gomer had three children and each one is reminder of how God felt about His people. Hosea’s first child, a son, was named Jezreel, as a warning to his people that they would pay for the massacre that happened there. The second child’s name was Lo-ruhamah, meaning “Not Loved”. God had gotten so fed up with the Israelites and their idolatry that He no longer wanted to forgive them. To look upon them tore out the very heart of God. Their third child was named Lo-Ammi which means “Not My People” this was God’s way of telling them that He had officially disowned them and was going to leave them to their fate.
When I was growing up I always thought that the God of the Old Testament was a violent angry God, bent on tearing down and destroying anyone who stepped out of line. I think that is why I find it so astonishing for me to find some of my favorite verses in this book. High school was hard for me. I was never the kind of kid that ever really fit in. I remember hating lunch and breaks between classes because that was the time that normal kids huddled into their cliques and crowded in the cafeteria. Not me. I was kind of kid that hid in the library, or in senior high I hid in the photo lab hoping to escape the humility of publicly eating lunch by yourself. But nothing prepared me for life after high school. I did not transition well. Finding a job was tricky and eventually I got a job as a photographer’s assistant one day a week. The rest of the time I sat around the house and eventually, as with what most high school grads go through, I went through a period of depression. Being inactive and isolated made me angry and very sad. It seemed that life got a little darker everyday. Most of my friends had full-time jobs or where going to college full time, so no one that I knew seemed to be struggling like I was.
My walk with God wasn’t very healthy either. In my darkness all I seemed to get from Him was silence so slowly my life moved in without Him. For almost a year I didn’t read my Bible and I wasn’t looking to be rescued. Eventually I got so desperate that one day in February I cracked open my Bible. I found the book of Hosea and clumsily began reading it. After reading about God not forgiving His people and then disowning them I was surprised to read Hosea 1:10,
“In the place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.' (NIV)
To read that although this vagabond nation had willingly turned their backs on God He took them back lifted my almost numb heart. But, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I read this
For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
(Hosea 5:14-6:3 NIV )
As I sat on my couch reading this passage I could slowly feel my soul awake. I knew that in my heart I hadn’t been living much of a godly life. I had worshipped other things in place of the most high and my life was in shambles because of my choices and my actions. Looking back I realized that I ignored the nudges and whispers of God to come out of my sinful life. Like a spoiled child I cried out to be left alone. For what seemed like an eternity I had been feeling like I was walking alone. All of a sudden I was faced with an image of a God who totally contradicted every single notion that I had of Him. Here was an image a God who wanted to restore His people and bind up their wounds.
That night it was like God reached down from heaven and put my heart back together. He honestly cared about me and longed to have me back. He restored my life and showed me love and compassion that no other idol could bring. I still have my struggles and some days it all seems hopeless, but when I fall to my knees and earnestly seek God I know that He holds my life in His hands and armed with his compassion and love He will rescue me. After all that is what Yahweh means, “ever present rescuer” and that is what He wants for you too. Let His compassion and mercy reach into the depths of your soul. If God can restore an entire nation, surely He can restore you too.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Now what?
This post is seriously a cry from my heart. No pretending here. No cutsie little parrallels, no fun stories...just me.
For the past few days I have just wanted to cry. I have no idea howcome or what brought this on. My journal has filled with everything from the high notes of the utmost praise for my savior to the lowest notes of "why God?, why all of this heart ache?" Last summer was horrible. After being a relationship where repressing all of my desires and emotions seemed the only appropriate course of action--- I cracked. I hit rock bottom. I had to reach up to try my shoe laces. Severe depression coupled with a hectic schedule and the estrangement of friends left me one option. Self mutilation.
During the day I was a hard-working, happy, outgoing girl. But once the house was asleep and all I could hear was the rustling of the trees, I would fall apart. At some point crying out to God turned into cutting. And that spiraled into this horrible cycle of hating myself and cutting then hating my self for cutting so doing it again...and so on. Until I got caught...
Forced to stop, I eventually learned to do without and I started walking through my depression with the hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the light came, and when it came it was amazing. It was like God dropped out of the sky right there into my living room. I swear I could hear the very voice of God as He told me that I was loveable and that He loved me and wanted to restore everybit of my life. And that is what He did. In one night he broke my depression and spoke to me in ways that I never even imagined. I have seen my savior in a new light, not just as a lover but as a restorer. Precious few get to see that. I have truly been blessed and looking back I don't know if I would change a thing.
So why are you complaining you may ask?? Well my biggest fear is that I will walk through that depression again. I sooooo don't want to ever be there again. The thought of that separation from my maker makes me cry. Walking through a time in your life where you can't even see your hand in front of your face, honestly scares me.( I am not strong enough to do it again and I plead with you Lord not to make me do it again..I'm so scared. Can't you see how scared I am that I may be headed for that again...Lord I'm clinging to you, please don't let me go.)
Depression feels like your best friend died, it feels like the last person on this earth that you could ever trust has just died. You find yourself sleeping in to avoid the sun and you realize after a month or two that you haven't opened your window blinds for a while. You can't handle the day to day and laughing hurts..not physically but deep down inside of you, you know that it is fake.
Lord Jesus to you I life this fear. I love you and I thank you for restoring me. your love is amazing and your mercy is infinate.please Jesus stop this fear from taking hold and stop me from walking down that path again. Lord I lay at your feet. Tether me to your love and stop this anguish. Be the eye of the storm and protect me on all sides. Hold me Lord, Hold me...
For the past few days I have just wanted to cry. I have no idea howcome or what brought this on. My journal has filled with everything from the high notes of the utmost praise for my savior to the lowest notes of "why God?, why all of this heart ache?" Last summer was horrible. After being a relationship where repressing all of my desires and emotions seemed the only appropriate course of action--- I cracked. I hit rock bottom. I had to reach up to try my shoe laces. Severe depression coupled with a hectic schedule and the estrangement of friends left me one option. Self mutilation.
During the day I was a hard-working, happy, outgoing girl. But once the house was asleep and all I could hear was the rustling of the trees, I would fall apart. At some point crying out to God turned into cutting. And that spiraled into this horrible cycle of hating myself and cutting then hating my self for cutting so doing it again...and so on. Until I got caught...
Forced to stop, I eventually learned to do without and I started walking through my depression with the hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the light came, and when it came it was amazing. It was like God dropped out of the sky right there into my living room. I swear I could hear the very voice of God as He told me that I was loveable and that He loved me and wanted to restore everybit of my life. And that is what He did. In one night he broke my depression and spoke to me in ways that I never even imagined. I have seen my savior in a new light, not just as a lover but as a restorer. Precious few get to see that. I have truly been blessed and looking back I don't know if I would change a thing.
So why are you complaining you may ask?? Well my biggest fear is that I will walk through that depression again. I sooooo don't want to ever be there again. The thought of that separation from my maker makes me cry. Walking through a time in your life where you can't even see your hand in front of your face, honestly scares me.( I am not strong enough to do it again and I plead with you Lord not to make me do it again..I'm so scared. Can't you see how scared I am that I may be headed for that again...Lord I'm clinging to you, please don't let me go.)
Depression feels like your best friend died, it feels like the last person on this earth that you could ever trust has just died. You find yourself sleeping in to avoid the sun and you realize after a month or two that you haven't opened your window blinds for a while. You can't handle the day to day and laughing hurts..not physically but deep down inside of you, you know that it is fake.
Lord Jesus to you I life this fear. I love you and I thank you for restoring me. your love is amazing and your mercy is infinate.please Jesus stop this fear from taking hold and stop me from walking down that path again. Lord I lay at your feet. Tether me to your love and stop this anguish. Be the eye of the storm and protect me on all sides. Hold me Lord, Hold me...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)