Psalm 46:10

Cease Striving and Know that I am God….

With these words my weekend was turned upside down. I was reading a book and there was this verse, in the middle of the page. I can’t even recall what the rest of the book was about, if

I were to be perfectly honest because this verse stopped me in my tracks. It is one of those “cutesy” verses that I have always just looked over, partly because almost every “Christian” household has it plastered on a magnet on the corner of the fridge or over the doorway into the living room. Don’t get me wrong. I agree with this verse but with all of its over-publicity I haven’t really had time to digest the meaning. In fact in my recent read of the Psalms this verse doesn’t even make my Top 10 list and sits there on the page without the additive of highlighter or pen. But this time it jumped off the page and cut right through my heart. Thank you Brennan Manning for putting it in your book. I would have continued to miss it if you hadn’t.

I won’t lie about the fact that I have felt a struggle in my spirit for quite sometime and that I haven’t been able to pin point whatever is wrong and that has made all matters worse. I know that the Almighty is trying to fix something in my heart and for some reason I am not letting Him and I just don’t know why. Every time I lay something at His feet I watch as I, myself, become the thief in the night and steal it back. I am left with a rebellious heart and a dishonest spirit and the shame of that is killing me. I hate what I have watched myself become and yet I want to change with no idea how. I just don’t feel anything working (prayer, worship, silent mediation, reading the scriptures). I think that I feel, quite often, like I am standing the midst of someone else’s life asking, “How did I get here?” I feel like at any moment the Lord of Heaven and Earth is going to descend from the Heavens and gather those whom He loves and take them away and that I will be left standing with the memory of His voice saying, “Sorry, but I did not know you.”

I think that is why this verse stood out at me so. Read it again. Did you catch that? It says and KNOW that I am God. Not feel that I am God or think about me being God. It is a command to make my brain submit to the Father and simply know that He is God. And that in order to be God, you have to be in control of quite a lot. In order to be God you have to have seen, both, the beginning and end of time, you have to know the weight of the skies and how many water droplets are in each cloud at any given moment. You also have to discern between the wicked and the devoted, between the desires of the heart and the desires of the flesh. You have to be so full of love for the Earthlings that you created you would part with your one and only Son and send Him to die a degrading death on a cross as the means to restore them back to you.

I live in a world with so much emphasis on how “I feel” that this concept is startling and foreign. How could I just know that He is God? That He has everything under control? How could I just blindly trust like that? Excuse me, but don’t you know that this is my life and my one shot? This is all I have, I don’t get another turn…

But in thinking on this verse and just letting it wash over me, I think that the first part of it answers those questions. Cease striving is what it says. To strive is to fight vigorously against something or, in this case, someone. I get this mental image of an infant refusing a bottle. Fighting with every ounce of strength they have, using their limbs as weapons, screaming at the top of their lungs and refusing to accept what is good, nourishing and most of all calming. Another translation says “Be still.” In other words stop your squirming and hollering and just accept what I want to give you. Calm down, stop fighting, get out of the way and just accept the fact that I am God. I know how many hairs are on your head and how many have turned grey with all your worrying. Yes, I know the thorn in your heart, I can see it and I’m trying to pull it out so that the pain will stop and so that you can heal. I’m only trying to hold you close until the storm passes, please let me be the shield. I am the only thing that will truly protect you. Stop fighting and just know that I am God so that I can take care of everything for you. I can do this, I have done this thousands of times before and will do it one thousand times more.

I think this means that if we just stop all of our arguing and that small voice inside our hearts that steers us toward rebellion and refusal of what God is trying to do we can simply know that He is God. And in knowing that He is God we can find peace. And I know that I need to find peace. Perhaps it is my striving with God that is keeping this uneasiness in my soul.

Maybe if I just calmed down a bit and turned off the lies for a while and just let go then God could do His work and I could see that He is God, that He has always been God and that He knows what He is doing, even if I don’t have a clue, which is pretty often.

May that be my prayer, that my fists would drop from my hips and that my teeth would unclench and that my body would just relax regardless of the imperfection that constantly stares back at me in the mirror and the rebellious pull that I feel from this life. And in that find that He is God and trust that He makes wars cease, that He breaks the bow and shatters the spear (Psalm 46:8), and that He will be exalted in all the earth (the rest of Psalm 46:10) and that He is the Lord Almighty who is with us and is our fortress (Psalm 46:11).

Thanksgiving...

This past weekend was thanksgiving, it was a chance to reflect on how blessed we are and the love that surrounds us so deeply, like way the ocean in it's magnitude surrounds a fish or a great white shark. This marks my first holiday on my own. And for some reason I found it hard to be thankful. Not just because I spent the actual day at Starbucks alone and watching a Shakespearean tragedy, but because something was amiss in my heart. I had made a date with some friends to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with a meal and just some fellowship and it felt good. In fact I had a wonderful day. But it wasn't until my friends had left and the dishes were drying my counter that I realized what was missing. And I found it shocking.

I realized that while I had been thankful of the means to provide a meal for my beloved friends and "Montreal family" (food, a home, a love of cooking) I wasn't thankful for the faithful love of a God who makes my life a reality and not just a hope or an aspiration. As I dug a little deeper into the depths of my heart I began to realize that it wasn't selfishness that was driving my lack of appreciation, but rather a lack of understanding of this great love. I think that has been my struggle for a while. I have, as most people do, a very finite definition of the word and my definition is lost in the waves that are created by the very idea of a God who desires, loves and lavishes affection. I think that my heart is broken, and not in a way that denotes sadness or despair but in the fact that it simply does not work. It has forgotten how to respond to such a love and therefore misses out on the splendor of it. When I hear or read of God's love, there in my heart lies a chasm that needs to defied, a clinical view that needs to be taken in and made personal. And that is a greater tragedy than one I just watched. God's love is enormous. So big that there are no words that can express the wonder or majesty of it. It searches the depth and breadth and heights of the earth to find us, the sinners that we are and take us out of dark places and into the light. It is our hope when all else fails, our anchor when we find ourselves lost in the waves not able to tell up from down or left from right. It is bigger than anything that we could imagine and small enough to fit into a simple act of kindness. How could I have missed this for so long? The answer is that I have no clue! I wrestled with God last night and begged for understanding but it did not come, instead exhausted I climb into my Abba's lap and just let go and fell asleep. I hope that one day understanding will come, that I will learn what it is to have someone (yes, that someone is the Lord Almighty) fall in love with me. And that I would learn to accept this love just as I am and not bend my world around trying to change to earn that love. That is my prayer for the moment, that I would come to grips with the fact that God on High, the Creator, who sits above us in Glory is at the same time sitting with me know whispering in my ear and telling tales of how He has moved mountains just for me, so we could be together and so that He would not have to be separated from me any longer. May my heart one day understand this and be overcome by the fury and tempest of His love and swept up in delight and joy every time I think on it.