How to let go...

Funny isn’t it, how this time last year I would make a list of things to be completed and life lessons I want so badly to learn before I turned 25? And ironically still is how on that list, somewhere towards the bottom I would put “learn what it means to surrender my love life to God”. Learn what it means to lay all of the relationships in my life at the footstool of my King and Creator and say to Him, “Do as you wish”. I thought that I had done just that, until lately.

            I don’t know if it is because I sit on the eve of my 25^th birthday, if it because I just finished school and am free to enter the world and actually start a career or if it is just a change in the seasons but I feel now like God is telling me to learn this lesson and like a debt collector is knocking on my door. And with every knock a tension grows inside my fragile heart.            

            I am a loyal and forgiving individual, always seeking for the good in people and applauding their efforts as they navigate the darkness that we so often find ourselves overwhelmed by. Characteristics and evidence of an indwelling and living God who cultivates our hearts like a tender vine dresser. At the end of the day that may be what I love the most about myself as I wade through all my insecurities and failures. It reminds me that there is One who loves greater and longer than I ever could and is close enough to give me the stamina and the drive to persevere when all I want to do is give up and crawl in a hole. I suppose the trap in that is that I never know when to let go, I never know when to face the fact that something is over and for the sake of my heart and those involved it would just be better to part. I never know when to just take my hands off and find some way to move on. Even in my darkest moments of hurt and betrayal, when my heart is worn out from fighting and stretched too thin I will always want to go back and start again.

            But what do you do when God says surrender? When God says let go? This is where I find myself. I realize that for Christians our whole lives are to be lived in surrender to the will of the Most High, and that seems like a fantastic idea and an easy one to follow through when you know that surrender means that things will stay the same or carry on just the way you like them. But what happens when “surrender” and “let go” become synonyms for “I don’t know how things are going to play out” and “I’ve never been in this place before”?

            I have been doing a lot of hanging out in the Old Testament. I guess in all of this I have been craving the council of Moses and Solomon as they listened and waited, their whole lives placed in the hands of a God who would bring salvation that they would never see the living proof of. And I keep coming back to the same truth. That my God is a jealous God, an all consuming fire.

            I don’t like fires, they rage out of control and all they leave are charred remains of a once beloved life. I think this is why I don’t like God as a fire. Because destruction is scary and unable to control. And to be honest, I love my life. The last thing I want is a fire raging through it. Or do I?

             When the Israelites were to take the promised land they were told to destroy everything and start from scratch. They were to kill all the people and destroy the buildings and the temples and the houses and all the plates and cups and jewelery. They were told to keep nothing so that their hearts would not be lead astray by the customs and the religions of the land and its previous inhabitants. This to me, although doesn’t speak of fire, speaks to be about the idea of God being a raging inferno. Keep none of it, is the message here, destroy it all, sure it might be pretty and useful and there are probably things that you don’t have that you will find a need for but destroy it none the less because one day it will lead you astray. Unless you destroy it in My name, it will lead you down a path I have already rescued you from so many times before. And astray is where I have been finding myself lately. So caught up in making things work that my head is going into overdrive solving problems that I haven’t even encountered yet and my heart is attaching its self to events that haven’t yet come to pass.

            So maybe I don’t love my life as much as I thought I did because lately it has been so full of anxiety and just plain old turmoil. Maybe I need that fire to show me just what is from the Lord and how much of it has been from the work of my own hands. Maybe that is how I let go. Just let the Lord be the all consuming fire and reduce my life to ashes.

Maybe I just hand my life with all of my relationships over to the Lord and watch them burn. I know this sounds pathetic and even just a little bit sadistic but I need to know how much my own hands have labored this year and ask God to take away all of my work and just rely on what He has done because it is front of Him that I kneel and not in front of my own works.

So I think that letting go means to no longer worry what the future holds for myself and those around me (which is a challenge because I worry so much I won’t sleep for days), I think it means doing a lot of asking the Lord to guide me step by step and being okay with sitting and waiting while He tells me which way to go. I think it means not getting so attached to what is going on and how I am feeling and getting more attached to what God is doing (or not doing). And I think that perhaps (duh) it means putting more of my energy in to my relationship with God and letting Him do all the talking in to those relationships instead of me and just trusting that all the joys and pain and sorrow and surprise comes with a purpose. I think that is how you let go. I hope that is how you let go, because I have been asking the Lord to become that all consuming fire.

I desire intimacy with the Savior more than anything and I hope that by trusting Him in this I will find that my feet are planted on solid ground. May I give it all up to Him because I don’t want to be led astray by this world any longer. 

25 by 25 update!!

Well, here I sit, we are almost 4 months into 2011 and I thought that I would give an update to how my 25 list is going. So far, not too bad. The only thing that I have missed was going to the Carnival D’Hiver in Quebec city. This has been a great challenge for me and although I am worried about just how much of it I will accomplish before December rolls around I know that it is the journey that transforms us and not simply the arrival at the end of the goal.

I would like to take this post and use it to highlight my plans for Lent. As many of you know, Lent is the season in which we give up that which makes it difficult to focus on the upcoming celebration of Easter. We take time to meditate on the sacrifice of Jesus and the ramifications of His undeserved death on the Cross. I have never been good at deciding what to give up for Lent and usually end up making a hasty decision the night before and forgetting about what I have given up with a week and a half. This year I thought that I would do it differently. That I would attack the idea of “giving something up” from a whole new angle.

That was when I stumbled upon the 25 Campaign by Invisible Children. Invisible Children is a organization that strives to end the war caused by Joseph Kony and his Lord’s Resistance Army. For 25 years these rebels have been terrorizing Northern Uganda and now have attacked villages in Southern Sudan, the DR Congo and the Central African Republic. The LRA consists of 90% child soldiers, many of whom where ripped from their families and schools and are now forced to carry out unspeakable acts of violence and torture. These attacks have forced many Ugandan citizens into Internally Displaced People’s camps and have separated families for nearly two generations.

So, this year, for Lent, I am giving up whatever distracts me from participating in this event and I am giving up forgetting the victims of this war and accepting it as a way of life. On April 25^th, Easter Monday, I will go silent for 25 hours. I will silence my voice so that the voices of those impacted by this tragedy can be heard.

However, I can’t do this alone. I need your help to raise money for the Protection Plan, a fund dedicated to providing isolated villages with the means to communicate with each other and to provide rehabilitaion for those left in the wake of Joseph Kony’s terror. My goal is to raise $25. A small goal, I know, but I am waiting to be amazed.

This war has gone on for the span of my lifetime and I feel that it is time to provide the people of Central Africa with a chance to heal and to just experience rest from this conflict. My suggestion is to pledge one dollar for every hour that I am silent, that amounts to only $25, less than a week’s worth of lattes from Starbucks (I know, I work there!) Your donation goes directly to the Protection Plan and allows Invisible Children to continue their work in Central Africa.

One of my greatest desires is to see this war end in my lifetime. And it is possible.

Here is the link to my donation page…

You can also find out more about Invisible Children and the 25 Campaign at www.invisiblechildren.com

Donate today!!

Thank you!

http://ic.stayclassy.org/member/ic-fundraising?fcid=25064

25x25....and thoughts on 2010

As 2010 looks over it’s shoulder for one last glance I felt that I would take a few moments and just sum it up.

It was one of the hardest and most rewarding years for me. I think that no other year thus far has met its quota of growth and discovery. I can’t wait to see what 2011 brings. In 2010 I discovered another part of my country, worked on making my second language less rusty, faced giants that I have cowered from, grown in the depth of my faith and watched as God provided for me step by step.

On January 1^st 2010, I rang in the New Year with friends and family and then stayed up for the rest of the night packing. At 6am my flight departed from the tiny Prince George airport, where I left my mom and my brother at the security gate and returned to Quebec. At that point in time no amount of convincing would make me believe that I would be where I am sitting today. I was picked up at the airport by friends and spent a few days relaxing and preparing my heart for the next term at Capernwray. We shopped and laughed and tried on boots and finally after what seemed like weeks of waiting we packed up Esther’s hand painted John Deere car, way beyond capacity, and headed to school.

As the year progressed I learned the depth of God’s mercy and grace as I faced giants that had tried to tame me for years. I saw His provision in the payments for trips and school. He came alive in me as I struggled for three weeks on a trip across Quebec in a language I hadn’t spoken for years. He showed me how I could be a help to heal and a force of love as those around me struggled and were stretched, simply because He had given me the strength and power to do so. He also drove me out into the wilderness where I learned how profound my need for Him was and how gray the horizon is without Him.

As I came back to spend my summer in BC, I was left to apply all that I had taken in during those last few terms at Capernwray and learn how to practically serve in my community. I learned to constantly leave my comfort zone as I took on new roles in Sunday school and worked alongside those who don’t care for the message of a loving Savior. I learned to just rest in Him and delight in all that He had put before me. We went to Seattle and just feasted on the abundance of a loving Lord, we celebrated my father’s 56^th birthday with Guinness and appetizer’s and it became so clear to me that God is above and beyond all of modern medicine and that it is always His plans that prevail.

In September my mom and I boarded another plane to move me back to Montreal. We spent a great but short week exploring the city and getting me settled. And before I knew it she was gone and I was on my own in the city. I started at a new Starbucks and settled in with friends and a new routine. I learned the challenge of living on my own and paying rent and electricity bills but through all of that I came to the understanding that just because I was no longer residing in the “Christian Bubble” God wasn’t done teaching me in very real ways. I learned to enjoy the community I was part of, no matter how small (three of us at most) and how to keep striving to know the Lord and make Him known. As winter approached I was shocked by the reality of His love and the depth of His affection for me. I was brought to my knees and I, for the first time, understood His indwelling life and how He lives and breathes in me. As the holidays approached a peace settled in my heart as the snow settled on the street below my window. And I knew that the blessings that met me in 2010 were here to stay in 2011 and would only multiply. God would continue to do what He had started that year and there was no need for fear or anxiety. So in the last few hours of 2010 I surrendered what needed to be surrendered and waited as the Lord lent His strength to that.

It was a great year of learning and blessing and I wouldn’t trade any moment of it.

As I look toward 2011, there are already a few themes on the surface. Patience, productivity and trust, to name a few of the big ones. I have never really been disciplined enough to follow through on New Year’s resolutions so I thought that I would try something different. Inspired by Jon Acuff’s 40 by 40 list and my friend Steph’s 30 by 30 list, here is my 25 by 25 list. All of these are things I want to accomplish in the next 11 months before I hit a quarter of a century. I am putting these up here to serve as an agent of accountability to make sure that they get done! And to invite you to challenge me to finish it because I know that I definitely won’t want to!!

So, here we go.

My 25x25 list…

I. Complete hair dressing school.

II. Visit the romance of the old port at least once a month.

III. Read my bible cover to cover.

IV. Learn how to make sushi. Good sushi.

V. Take a homeless person for lunch.

VI. Gain an ounce of self-confidence.

VII. Lose another 40 pounds.

VIII. Enjoy my singleness and understand that it isn’t about who is in love with me as much as it is about whom I am loving.

IX. Surrender my love life to God (family, friendships).

X. Do Lent this year. From start to finish.

XI. Sleep under the stars at least once.

XII. Dance at a wedding.

XIII. Go to the Carnival d'Hiver.

XIV. Learn to make Samosas. Good Samosas.

XV. Cover my wall with poetry.

XVI. Find 4 random reasons to host dinner parties and feed my friends.

XVII. Inquire about joining the Cathedral choir.

XVIII. Watch a sunrise from the chateau on Mount Royal.

XIX. Buy a nice kitchen knife.

XX. Donate my time to a cause I feel passionate about.

XXI. Overcome my fear of children by playing with them and talking to them every chance I get.

XXII. Learn what it means to be open and available to the will of God in all things.

XXIII. Eat at Safari Burger.

XXIV. Make soup. Lots of soup.

XXV. Actually do Christmas cards.

Winter has finally arrived! It has gone from gentle flirtations of cold days and flurries to banging on our door like a scorned lover by giving us about a foot of snow in just over 24 hours. I love this season. Seconded to only summer, it is the season for hats and scarves and sleds and dreaming. When I was young I would wake up and sprint the few short steps to the window to lay eyes on the newly formed thick blanket of white, spread out upon the ground like a heavy duvet on a king size bed. I would long for the outdoors, long to be lost in snow’s wonder and beauty, seeing how it changed the landscape and made all things soft and approachable. That little girl has never left and remains in my bones today. Once free from work, yesterday, this little girl bolted home, donned boots and a hat and went for a walk. Giddy with every step she lost track of time and despite the mess in her apartment, the dishes that were piled in her sink and the dinner that was not yet even taken out of the freezer, she was gone for more than two hours.

As I wandered the streets in the snow and marveled at how empty and changed the city was I knew that I was at the mercy of a creative God and was deeply humbled by His jealous love and furious longing. I figured that this walk was a good opportunity to just have a good chat with God and catch up, as these past few months have left me with few words and not much strength to speak them with. I started off being thankful, I guess because that was how I was taught to pray. You get God’s attention when you flatter his ego and remind Him how good He has been to you lately in hopes that He might come to your aid or give you more. As usual I started off with the superficial things, money to pay rent, a warm bed…my hat…my ill-fitting jacket…salvation and, finally, snow. But when I got to the snow part everything changed. It was almost as though God was waiting for me to run out of superficial things to thank Him for, for me to just stand there awkwardly as I tried to come up with something to fill the silence, because that was when He broke through. It was like he had said that He sent the snow because He knew that I needed to see something other than the rain that had been falling on my soul in the midst of the troubles that this fall had afforded me. It was as if He had peeled back the curtain and I could all at once see His creativity and greatness.

Snow is simply rain redefined into tiny crystals that collect on the ground and change the landscape. I began to ask God what kind of miracle this was, I mean it was only water and as my heart began to get bored with the conversation, it was like God was saying, “You can be busy all you want and fill your life with things that have no real purpose, but if I want I can slow you down and make all that is important to you change at a moments notice.” As I shook off the fear of that thought I began to see that it was true. People had come into the city that morning with a purpose and a sense of urgency, they had lists, appointments and deadlines and within a few hours it had all fallen apart. Where there was urgency, a sense of slowness had taken over, where there was appointments a longing for home had developed and as I took a good look around I realized that the city was eerily empty. It was amazing for me to think that in this huge city, filled with people going all over the place, bowing to their agendas and worshipping their busyness, the God of all had broken through and quieted it. It was scary and eye opening at the same time because I realized that even my own plans had been changed that afternoon because of the snow.

At that point the conversation in my heart went something like this. “Okay God, that is pretty cool. Thanks for that.” But as I crossed the street I knew that there was something more that God wanted to show me. And that just as He had used to snow to gear down the roaring city He was about to do the same with me. Without my permission He reached into my heart and began to show me what I think He had been longing to show me for months. The truth is I have always believed that God with me, that He will never leave me, that I will never be alone and that when I face my darkest days He is there standing beside me. But I have never really understood the concept that He is in me and I in Him. Last year I tried to so hard to understand this concept and to live it but to no avail. But in this moment I began to truly understand.

A few days back I had expressed to a friend how I wished that I were talented and beautiful and someone who could be desired. This conversation came back to me in that moment and I knew what I had said was wrong. I knew that if God had exchanged His life for mine then what I had just done was call him untalented, unbeautiful and undesirable. Imagine that. The God that sent the snow that now covered an entire city and was capable of slowing its pace was, in my eyes, untalented and undesirable. The God that was creative enough to give us snow in the first place was stripped bare of all His beauty in just a simple conversation. Simply because I had failed to see that He was the same God who lived and breathed in me and that it was no longer I who lived my life but Him. My heart was truly grieved at the thought of this and I wondered at what had caused me to think this way. As I walked the few blocks left to my apartment buildling I asked myself what was it that had me so scared about being beautiful, talented and desired? As I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and walked down my hallway I realized that if I truly believed that I was all of these things simply because He had made it so, I would have to live differently. I would have to live as one who had worth, beauty, talent and the like. I would have to give up my pursuit of finding all of those things in temporary places and find it in what truly matters, the words spoken by a savior who gave His life so that mine could have meaning. I would have to give the death penalty to all those lies that I had let in my heart and believe, even though the world doesn’t want me to and there is a hesitation in my typing even now, that I am beautiful, talented and worthy of so much more than I give myself credit for. I would have to die in the arms of the God who pursues so that all of who He is can shine through me as He resuscitates my stilled heart. And I know that death scares me.

But the more I think, the more I realize how important and true that idea is. In old English a slang term for sex is actually “dying inside each other”. Ponder that for a second. As awkward as that may be to think about, there is no greater physical intimacy than sex, it is as close as two humans can come to breaking the laws of physics and occupying the same space. Which, in its essence is not unlike this idea of an indwelling God. To die means to be in complete union. One. Which is where I know I must be headed if this journey with me and my God will ever have longevity. If I will ever find any worth or beauty or talent for myself it will only be when I die to where my flesh wants to go and let Jesus live my life and shine where perhaps I cannot. As I sat on my bed and watched the snow fall I began to cry at how beautiful that whole concept was. How Jesus had humbled Himself from Heaven to meet me on the Cross where I was already dying and take my place so that He could give me victory and His life. His. Life. Not mine, that flounders when turmoil hits, that flutters from lover to lover, that needs constant approval and attention to be found beautiful, but His life that is abundant, beautiful simply because He wills it so and constant because He is rooted in something other than the landslide that is this world. That is what I want, and that is what I have now that I understand that it is no longer me who is living.

I died last night and what amazing freedom to know it. Now when I meet someone on the street I pray that they would meet Jesus in my clothing, when I deal with that guy at work who makes me so angry I just want to cry may He be met with the compassion of Jesus, when I look in the mirror and beat myself down because I am soon to be 24 and still have acne and haven’t lost a single pound in more than 6 months may Jesus look back at me and tell me that I am beautiful simply because He is and now lives inside me, when I am tempted to down play all of my strengths and capabilities may I be reminded that who I am really tearing down is the God who gave them to me in the first place.

And from now on when it snows, may I be reminded of the walk that lead to my new found freedom in death and the reality that no matter how busy we are and no matter how many things are on our to do list we are all at the mercy of a God who has the means and creative power to step in and change our course and quiet us. May death no longer hold any fear for me, because I am already dead, ready to be made alive again in oneness with my risen and indwelling Savior. May His light be what shines through me, may His beauty become my beauty, His love, my love. And most importantly, may His life become my life and He lives and breathes in my place. May I die happy, knowing that to live life any other way would be foolishness.

Thoughts on laundry...

Do you have one of those shirts?

Maybe they are a pair of pants? Or a blouse?

A piece of clothing that has been washed so often it is faded and worn thin.

You took care of it, but it needed to be washed. You've worn it so many times.

Maybe it is the same with our hearts. They need to be washed and made clean.

Oh and they've been washed alright.

Oh, so many times.

Cleansed from sin and darkness.

The stains of rebellion, hatred and self-preservation.

Made whiter than snow, so the Bible tell us.

And after each washing harnesses less and less force against movement.

Almost relaxed, almost weak.

Maybe that is where our hearts need to be, washed so many times of dirt and grime that

it no longer holds its own.

Doesn't the seamstress wash the cloth before she sews it,

fashions it into a beautiful garment?

Maybe that is where our hearts need to be.

After all, when you hold a washed and worn piece of cloth up to the light

it can't help but shine it's light bright and true...

Psalm 46:10

Cease Striving and Know that I am God….

With these words my weekend was turned upside down. I was reading a book and there was this verse, in the middle of the page. I can’t even recall what the rest of the book was about, if

I were to be perfectly honest because this verse stopped me in my tracks. It is one of those “cutesy” verses that I have always just looked over, partly because almost every “Christian” household has it plastered on a magnet on the corner of the fridge or over the doorway into the living room. Don’t get me wrong. I agree with this verse but with all of its over-publicity I haven’t really had time to digest the meaning. In fact in my recent read of the Psalms this verse doesn’t even make my Top 10 list and sits there on the page without the additive of highlighter or pen. But this time it jumped off the page and cut right through my heart. Thank you Brennan Manning for putting it in your book. I would have continued to miss it if you hadn’t.

I won’t lie about the fact that I have felt a struggle in my spirit for quite sometime and that I haven’t been able to pin point whatever is wrong and that has made all matters worse. I know that the Almighty is trying to fix something in my heart and for some reason I am not letting Him and I just don’t know why. Every time I lay something at His feet I watch as I, myself, become the thief in the night and steal it back. I am left with a rebellious heart and a dishonest spirit and the shame of that is killing me. I hate what I have watched myself become and yet I want to change with no idea how. I just don’t feel anything working (prayer, worship, silent mediation, reading the scriptures). I think that I feel, quite often, like I am standing the midst of someone else’s life asking, “How did I get here?” I feel like at any moment the Lord of Heaven and Earth is going to descend from the Heavens and gather those whom He loves and take them away and that I will be left standing with the memory of His voice saying, “Sorry, but I did not know you.”

I think that is why this verse stood out at me so. Read it again. Did you catch that? It says and KNOW that I am God. Not feel that I am God or think about me being God. It is a command to make my brain submit to the Father and simply know that He is God. And that in order to be God, you have to be in control of quite a lot. In order to be God you have to have seen, both, the beginning and end of time, you have to know the weight of the skies and how many water droplets are in each cloud at any given moment. You also have to discern between the wicked and the devoted, between the desires of the heart and the desires of the flesh. You have to be so full of love for the Earthlings that you created you would part with your one and only Son and send Him to die a degrading death on a cross as the means to restore them back to you.

I live in a world with so much emphasis on how “I feel” that this concept is startling and foreign. How could I just know that He is God? That He has everything under control? How could I just blindly trust like that? Excuse me, but don’t you know that this is my life and my one shot? This is all I have, I don’t get another turn…

But in thinking on this verse and just letting it wash over me, I think that the first part of it answers those questions. Cease striving is what it says. To strive is to fight vigorously against something or, in this case, someone. I get this mental image of an infant refusing a bottle. Fighting with every ounce of strength they have, using their limbs as weapons, screaming at the top of their lungs and refusing to accept what is good, nourishing and most of all calming. Another translation says “Be still.” In other words stop your squirming and hollering and just accept what I want to give you. Calm down, stop fighting, get out of the way and just accept the fact that I am God. I know how many hairs are on your head and how many have turned grey with all your worrying. Yes, I know the thorn in your heart, I can see it and I’m trying to pull it out so that the pain will stop and so that you can heal. I’m only trying to hold you close until the storm passes, please let me be the shield. I am the only thing that will truly protect you. Stop fighting and just know that I am God so that I can take care of everything for you. I can do this, I have done this thousands of times before and will do it one thousand times more.

I think this means that if we just stop all of our arguing and that small voice inside our hearts that steers us toward rebellion and refusal of what God is trying to do we can simply know that He is God. And in knowing that He is God we can find peace. And I know that I need to find peace. Perhaps it is my striving with God that is keeping this uneasiness in my soul.

Maybe if I just calmed down a bit and turned off the lies for a while and just let go then God could do His work and I could see that He is God, that He has always been God and that He knows what He is doing, even if I don’t have a clue, which is pretty often.

May that be my prayer, that my fists would drop from my hips and that my teeth would unclench and that my body would just relax regardless of the imperfection that constantly stares back at me in the mirror and the rebellious pull that I feel from this life. And in that find that He is God and trust that He makes wars cease, that He breaks the bow and shatters the spear (Psalm 46:8), and that He will be exalted in all the earth (the rest of Psalm 46:10) and that He is the Lord Almighty who is with us and is our fortress (Psalm 46:11).

Thanksgiving...

This past weekend was thanksgiving, it was a chance to reflect on how blessed we are and the love that surrounds us so deeply, like way the ocean in it's magnitude surrounds a fish or a great white shark. This marks my first holiday on my own. And for some reason I found it hard to be thankful. Not just because I spent the actual day at Starbucks alone and watching a Shakespearean tragedy, but because something was amiss in my heart. I had made a date with some friends to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with a meal and just some fellowship and it felt good. In fact I had a wonderful day. But it wasn't until my friends had left and the dishes were drying my counter that I realized what was missing. And I found it shocking.

I realized that while I had been thankful of the means to provide a meal for my beloved friends and "Montreal family" (food, a home, a love of cooking) I wasn't thankful for the faithful love of a God who makes my life a reality and not just a hope or an aspiration. As I dug a little deeper into the depths of my heart I began to realize that it wasn't selfishness that was driving my lack of appreciation, but rather a lack of understanding of this great love. I think that has been my struggle for a while. I have, as most people do, a very finite definition of the word and my definition is lost in the waves that are created by the very idea of a God who desires, loves and lavishes affection. I think that my heart is broken, and not in a way that denotes sadness or despair but in the fact that it simply does not work. It has forgotten how to respond to such a love and therefore misses out on the splendor of it. When I hear or read of God's love, there in my heart lies a chasm that needs to defied, a clinical view that needs to be taken in and made personal. And that is a greater tragedy than one I just watched. God's love is enormous. So big that there are no words that can express the wonder or majesty of it. It searches the depth and breadth and heights of the earth to find us, the sinners that we are and take us out of dark places and into the light. It is our hope when all else fails, our anchor when we find ourselves lost in the waves not able to tell up from down or left from right. It is bigger than anything that we could imagine and small enough to fit into a simple act of kindness. How could I have missed this for so long? The answer is that I have no clue! I wrestled with God last night and begged for understanding but it did not come, instead exhausted I climb into my Abba's lap and just let go and fell asleep. I hope that one day understanding will come, that I will learn what it is to have someone (yes, that someone is the Lord Almighty) fall in love with me. And that I would learn to accept this love just as I am and not bend my world around trying to change to earn that love. That is my prayer for the moment, that I would come to grips with the fact that God on High, the Creator, who sits above us in Glory is at the same time sitting with me know whispering in my ear and telling tales of how He has moved mountains just for me, so we could be together and so that He would not have to be separated from me any longer. May my heart one day understand this and be overcome by the fury and tempest of His love and swept up in delight and joy every time I think on it.