Friday, March 16, 2007

My respose to Heather's post titled "Devil wears a candy shell"


So it's the middle of March and I can only count the amount of Mini-eggs that I have eaten on one hand. Isn't that atrocious? ONE HAND. Here is my story...
As I was doing my errands this morning I had to run into Wal-Mart and find some liquid latex (of all things). Long story short--they didn't have any (sense any foreshadowing??) and I ended up getting lost in the Seasonal department. Upon remembering the lack of mini-egg goodness in my life lately, I decided that they would make a good breakfast, okay maybe not to a normal person who has just rolled outta bed, but a good breakfast was for someone who is pushing 24 hours without sleep and who's last meal was cold, flavorless, soggy chicken wings. So I went on a quest to find myself the LARGEST bag of the little suckers so that I would have a reason to brush my teeth before my journey to dream land. I wandered around the three aisles that they call the seasonal department and there was NONE to be found. I searched high, I searched low. I started moving things around to see if some anti-mini-egger was playing a cruel joke on those of us that annually depend on the little shards of heaven placed oh-so wonderfully in that perfect purple bag. Turns out that wasn't the case. Like a drug addict who can look and not touch, I paced back and forth and grew increasingly irritated. It was as though the mini-egg gods were mocking me as I was forced to walk past the box that contained bags and bags of the "popping mini-eggs". I'm sorry but I'm a purist, maybe even a snob, but no popping eggs will do. As a last effort I asked a sales lady and she said "Oh yes, they are over here." Full of hope I walked to another station that I hadn't even noticed and before I knew it she had placed in my hands----(yes, you guessed it!!!) a mesh bag of tinfoil wrapped generic chocolates. I was ready to rip her head off!!! "Here you go", she said. I told that these really weren't what I was looking for. She stared at me blankly and pointed out that they were egg-shaped and mini and then inquired as to what my problem was. I showed her a photo of what I was looking for. (It was on a neighboring box, I don't just keep one in my pocket incase you were wondering.) She then proceeded to show me every single kind of chocolate they had and NONE of them were packaged in that royal purple that I have come to love. Frustrated and dizzy I grabbed the first chocolates that I saw and made my way to the checkout. I had searched for at least half an hour and I was forced to buy some sub-standard Nestle product. On the way to the car, I ate said chocolate and I did not feel satisfied in the least, really it just gave me a tummy ache. Now I am sitting here with a stomachache that is in the way of me falling asleep. BAAAAAAAA HUMBUG!!
What a nightmare, ridiculous, absurd.
Next time I think that I will just stick to water.





Mini-eggs, come back to me. Why do you leave me so forlorn?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Lessons from Lesbians

I don’t really know any lesbians, to be honest, they don’t appear very often in my circle of close friends. I was asked out by girl in my grade 12 year once but that is about it. I have nothing against them, I love on them like I would anyone else but I just don’t find them in my tight-knit group of acquaintances. I don’t have any insight into the gay world and to tell the truth I have never really dealt with anything of the sort. But one lesbian has left a profound impact on me. I was watching the academy awards the other week and Ellen Degeneres was hosting. I like her, I think that she is hilarious. I think that she is one of those Hollywood types that I would actually like to meet. After the awards show Barbara Walters’ Oscar special was on and I had a few minutes to spare before I flew out the door to work. She was interviewing Degeneres in her Hollywood mansion, Walters went on about Ellen’s TV debut on some late night talk show in the 80’s, she showed a clip of Ellen’s monologue in which she has a hypothetical conversation with God. After the clip was done, Walters asked what Ellen would say to God if she could have a conversation right now. Without pause or reservation Degeneres replied with a gracious “Thank you.” That was it, just those two simple words. She just blurted out “Thank you”, not “Thanks, but my teenage years were tough” or “Thanks for everything after you put me through the ringer”. This took me by surprise. Here is a lesbian, someone that we Christians would snub and look down on, expressing gratitude to a God that we just sit around that complain to. That really shocked me, Ellen has walked a lonely road, sexual abuse as a child, a career is the toilet, being dropped by networks and agents because of her lifestyle choices and public humiliation. And all she can say is “Thank you”, give me a break. How come I can’t do that? I have never been publicly humiliated, rejected and led to believe that my ideas are wrong and that I should be punished for that. Unbelievable. If I were to sit down with God, probably the first thing to come out of my mouth would be “Where the hell have you been?”, or “Why do you make this life so damn hard?”. The first words out my mouth would definitely not be an expression of gratitude. But then again, maybe Ellen has learned a lesson that I haven’t. Maybe she has learned that everyday is a gift from God and all that she has is all that she needs. Maybe I’m just a pilgrim that hasn’t made it yet, I’m still on the journey. Maybe I still haven’t given up the fight and refuse to meet God at His word, that he is mighty and just and won’t leave me or forsake me. Whatever it is, thank you Ellen Degeneres. You have truly humbled me. You have taught me how rich I really am. Thank you…