After all this we still have hope...

Meet my brother. Or at least what is left of him. The beautiful auburn locks that curled around his eyes are no more, all that remains in their stead is unrecognizable stubble. I think that I like this new "do" for my brother, it is by far the shortest cut he has ever received. But this story runs much deeper than just the disappearing coif of my favorite brother, the true story starts with a boy named Sam and his battle.
On Tuesday over 400 people piled into the gym at Cedars and 40 brave people stepped forward to lose their locks in support of one named Sam. Sam is a grade 5 student diagnosed with Lukemia and fighting his way through the first rounds of a journey that will take more than 1000 days.
The band played and the razors buzzed as girls and boys offered support to the struggling family. It was an amazing sight, those who could donated their hair to locks of love for other victims of cancer. I couldn't believe my eyes. As I was snapping pictures I honestly had to hold back the tears that were trying to break from my face. The event started with a word of prayer, a reading of a verse and a thank you bestowed by the Sam's father.
As the hair came off and cheers erupted from the crowd, there was something different in the over all tone and hustle and bustle of things. There was an overwhelming feeling of hope. Here was this boy facing cancer, probably the biggest fight in his life and yet there was hope. This hope wasn't brought by fake smiles and reassurances that everything would be fine, it was the honest and true hope of Jesus Christ. It was that same hope that is promised to us each and every day by One who has promised us life eternal and unconditional love. As I looked around I couldn't help but feel a tinge of pain for those in my life who have no hope at all, those who don't have any hope in the promise of tomorrow and wiping away of our sins.
It was a scene that truly could have only happened within a crowd of believers and that could only be understood by those who have seen the workings of grace and tasted the sweetness of a Hope that is forever ours. As I watched, while the last two girls, Sam's older sisters, shave their heads I was astonished at the amount of selfless love they truly had for their brother.
I understand the significance of the shaving, but for me it went a little further this time. Just as my brother and the other volunteers wait for and hope that their hair to grows back, so we need to wait and hope that life will rise again, where ever that maybe. After all doesn't the phoenix arise from the ashes, even after burning up and withering away? It does, and with an eye on the promises that lay ahead of us we still have hope...
My Brother losing his hair...
The crowd that gathered
Sam's sisters in the final stages of taking it off...

Please support this family, you can view their blog at http://samsconqueringofall-goertzens.blogspot.com/

Can't Go Back Now...

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

---The Weepies

I was having lunch with my sister this afternoon and this song came up in conversation. It was one of those conversations about life and God and purpose. This song has meant a lot to me these past few weeks, it points to how I have been feeling these past few months since returning from Uganda.
My life has changed dramatically and experiences that I once had and friends I once held dear are fading. People move on and stay the same, as much as there is heart ache in this, my only choice is to walk on. I need to forge the life that God is calling me to. I need to make steps on my own so that I can learn to be who I am created to be. This is the hardest thing. It means letting go, even if you aren't ready and even if it hurts. Priorities change and the milestones you once looked forward to are no longer available or meaningful.
Yet in all of this there is hope, always hope and that is what I need to find on a daily basis. I just need to let go and walk on...

Today I met with the youth pastor that I am replacing while she is on her maternity leave. It was a great meeting. I feel so refreshed and energized, and I feel really excited for this opportunity. In the past couple of days I have felt this wave of passion come over me and I feel as though I am discovering things for the first time. I am thrilled for this position and Iook forward to all the challenges that it is going to bring!
I just want to publicly say "Thank you" to my God who lead me to this and will carry me through this!
This is such a lovely opportunity!

My newest blessing...

I have been hired by my Church to be the Student Ministries Coordinator. I am so excited and thankful. I love teenagers and I completely understand the angst and confusion that comes with all of the life-changing things teenagers go through. 
I have truly been blessed and everyday I am learning that maybe there is a plan in this gigantic mess that I call my life and that maybe I haven't been exiled for nothing.

I have been struggling alot with hurt from very close friends and have spent alot of time wondering what I did wrong to deserve the treatment that I am getting, but the more i spend wondering what I did wrong the less time I have to focus who God is making me and where He is taking me  and all I want is to enjoy this ride. I have nothing holding me back, and no place to hide....so I go. To those who have hurt me (however melodramatic this may sound), I totally forgive you and I wish you well in all your future endeavors. If you want, you know where to find me. From now on I am done. I'm going where I should be and following where God has called me. No turning back...

Pretence

One of the things that I have been struggling alot with is who I am and who everyone who surround me is. In school we have been talking alot about religion and God. It has caused alot of self-reflection. Am I who I am because of what I believe, or do I believe what I believe because of who I am. I am not sure. At present I am writing a paper on whether or not religion is poisonous and counter-productive. The answer, I don't know. The problem with religion is that it is full of humans. Complex, paradoxical, confused and unpredictible humans.
In truth, as I look around I must confess that some of my "religious" friends disappoint me. They are tranparent, self-seeking and too wrapped up in their own joys or sorrows to even notice those around them. I can't tell you how often I have been asked for advice and have tried to point them to the world and our role within it, only to be severed from all connection and to be excluded from that point on. Am I wrong in doing this?
However, I have been met with a refreshing breeze that is a person who sees beyond themselves and into the hearts of others and can dream with me of a better world and how to get there. 
I want so bad to write a paper upholding the joys and importance of religion  and all of the wonderful things that it can bring to a person's life and to a society, but I don't know if I can be truthful about it when I am screaming at the top of my lungs "Stop this selfishness! Stop this pretence."

Maybe I need to just be good that belief and religion can be and hope that others follow....
Thoughts??

So, wow, this is my first post in a very long time!
I can't believe how in life things change and things that once were constant are no longer. 
As a little girl looking into the future I never saw what is now my life unfolding in front of me. As I sit and struggle with this, I am prone to wondering if my life now is better or worse than the one that I had envisioned. 
I come to the conclusion that I don't know. My life is not over, judging it would be like judging a book before the last page and yet, if my life doesn't look like the one that I wanted when I was younger then how is it going to be anything like the one that I envisioned. 
Things are different. Friends are gone, family is gone, boys that I thought were meant for me ended up with girls that I never dreamed of. I struggle daily with the effects left from my father's stroke and always wonder at the possibility of how many milestones in my life will he see. There is an unclearness when it comes to where I will be in 5 years, 10 years and even 40.
On the other hand I have been given a new name, from the people in Uganda, that I have spent my life loving. I have seen a new society, killed cockroaches the size of my hands. I have looked at the deepest sunset as though I have fallen into a great abyss and into the hands of my beloved Father. I have felt the deepest passion and the hardest hearbreak. I have measured my own strength against my heros' and realized that I am made of the same vulnerable and impenetrable fabric. I have reached my hand out and felt the face of an invisible God.
I have to wonder where these all things that I dreamed of? Where these moments that my young mind could not grasp?
The future is fickle and an unkindly friend, so I conclude that my life is not made based on the merits of my dreams and hopes, but on the merit of grace recieved, freely, and the moments that you put yourself out there to be broken and vulnerable.
These are the things that true dreams are made of.
As for my life, is it better or worse that I had dreamed?? It is both. But there is a goodness in it that comes not from me, but from an everloving Father who I will meet face to face one day. So until then, my life is still being written. I am still a portrait that is being painted, I won't be able to judge it until my final day has come.