This past weekend was thanksgiving, it was a chance to reflect on how blessed we are and the love that surrounds us so deeply, like way the ocean in it's magnitude surrounds a fish or a great white shark. This marks my first holiday on my own. And for some reason I found it hard to be thankful. Not just because I spent the actual day at Starbucks alone and watching a Shakespearean tragedy, but because something was amiss in my heart. I had made a date with some friends to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with a meal and just some fellowship and it felt good. In fact I had a wonderful day. But it wasn't until my friends had left and the dishes were drying my counter that I realized what was missing. And I found it shocking.
I realized that while I had been thankful of the means to provide a meal for my beloved friends and "Montreal family" (food, a home, a love of cooking) I wasn't thankful for the faithful love of a God who makes my life a reality and not just a hope or an aspiration. As I dug a little deeper into the depths of my heart I began to realize that it wasn't selfishness that was driving my lack of appreciation, but rather a lack of understanding of this great love. I think that has been my struggle for a while. I have, as most people do, a very finite definition of the word and my definition is lost in the waves that are created by the very idea of a God who desires, loves and lavishes affection. I think that my heart is broken, and not in a way that denotes sadness or despair but in the fact that it simply does not work. It has forgotten how to respond to such a love and therefore misses out on the splendor of it. When I hear or read of God's love, there in my heart lies a chasm that needs to defied, a clinical view that needs to be taken in and made personal. And that is a greater tragedy than one I just watched. God's love is enormous. So big that there are no words that can express the wonder or majesty of it. It searches the depth and breadth and heights of the earth to find us, the sinners that we are and take us out of dark places and into the light. It is our hope when all else fails, our anchor when we find ourselves lost in the waves not able to tell up from down or left from right. It is bigger than anything that we could imagine and small enough to fit into a simple act of kindness. How could I have missed this for so long? The answer is that I have no clue! I wrestled with God last night and begged for understanding but it did not come, instead exhausted I climb into my Abba's lap and just let go and fell asleep. I hope that one day understanding will come, that I will learn what it is to have someone (yes, that someone is the Lord Almighty) fall in love with me. And that I would learn to accept this love just as I am and not bend my world around trying to change to earn that love. That is my prayer for the moment, that I would come to grips with the fact that God on High, the Creator, who sits above us in Glory is at the same time sitting with me know whispering in my ear and telling tales of how He has moved mountains just for me, so we could be together and so that He would not have to be separated from me any longer. May my heart one day understand this and be overcome by the fury and tempest of His love and swept up in delight and joy every time I think on it.