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I love airports!! Absolutely love them! They are the doorsteps to the world. They are the gates to all that I want to see. African Savannahs, Mayan Ruins, the French Riviera, the Nile, the Mediterranean Sea! Ohhh, so wonderful. The world at your finger tips. But also so depressing. So close and yet so far away. As Juliet once described, like a child that has new clothes for a festival, but cannot wear them. Almost like a kid in a candy store too short to reach the gummies on the top shelf. How sad, to be arms length away from your dream, your dependency and not quite reach it. Close enough to be enveloped by the smell of delight but not feel the warm, smooth melt in your mouth. How tragic. The worst kind of disappointment. I think that is where I am today. Have you ever wanted something so desperately that it consumes your very core? You would give up your life; literally lay it down, to have but one taste. Would you walk away from your family, friends, comforts, and job? I would. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it is the first thought when you wake up and the last thought before you go to sleep, and after that it even lingers around in your dreams?
Here is my problem. I want this thing so bad, but I'm afraid to ask God for it. Afraid that He will say no, afraid that He will give anything but His blessing. I can't stand another closed door. I'm at my wits end. I can't move forward without His blessing, but I'm afraid to ask. I know that He would lead me somewhere else if I said no, but can my tiny little finite mind understand His firm but loving hand as He says no and closes the portal? I don't think I can. So here I sit, on the edge of wanting, but having no courage to stand up and say that this is what I want and ask for an answer. Furthermore, I am afraid that He will say yes. Then I will truly have to put my money where my mouth is. I will have to walk away from my family, friends and comforts and get on that plane and not look back. Am I strong enough? Can my heart handle that? It is easier said than done to put all of your faith in something that is unknown.
I will I ever have enough courage?
I'm terrified.