letting my guard down

Here I am. Late at night, nothing but the glow of my computer screen and speakers. Nothing but the noise of Dakona playing softly in the background. It might be that I am tired, it might be that I haven't eaten much today, it may even be the thoughts swirling around like snowflakes in my head. Whatever it is that makes me feel this way--it makes me feel lost within myself. Like some kind of painting that isn't completed yet, or a photograph partially developed. Maybe the most detrimental thing to do is to stay in this place but I like it. It reminds me of playing with a bruise, how you poke it and it hurts but only a little. A kind of bittersweet. Whatever it is I feel as though I am lost, as though I am dying and as though I am reaching out for some unattainable goal. Like a jewel beyond my reach, something just out mind. I feel as though I am captive and it is now that I have earned temporary parole. I feel like a prisoner set from my cell, but the weight of the now absent shackles are felt around my wrists and ankles and my heart knows that come morning I shall be bound again. I wish that I could have someone to share these moments with. Moments like the lingering of an almost kiss. Moments of touching God and Earth, of floating and hitting the ceiling. I feel hope and at the same time doomed to walk this earth alone. I long to dance, not to any hip hop beat, but to tune of my heart beating close to someone else's. Some talk about God as a lover, as the most passionate and valiant of beaus, but I just can't. Maybe that is my problem. To me He is savior and guide, yes I love Him and I know of His deep love for me. But to me He is Father and friend. Someone to lead me down the aisle, not someone to for me to join when I have walked it. I want a love in this world. Someone to hold and share the calm of midnight with. Will that come? Or will all my dreams end with me. Will I dance alone, like my nana on the night of my grandpa's funeral? An image that has stuck fresh in my mind for almost ten years now. Calm, serene and beautiful is how she looked that night- I'll always remember her strength as she laid her husband in the ground.
Maybe I will dance, just me and my Father, my Savior. Dance the night away.
Finally some movement in the stillness.
For tomorrow I will wake up and all will have moved on. Might as well savor it all now.