Generally Frustrated

So I went to Parkside yesterday. Soooo good, I love it! (There you go Steve, your "I love Parkside" comment--happy now?) I was sad that Scott didn't preach, as I love his preaching but Aaron’s sermon hit home for me too. I have been struggling a lot lately with how I relate to God and what it is exactly that I believe in. I've been trying to prioritize and "get my ducks in a row" but this has lead to just general frustration. I'm not where I want to be in any way. Aaron’s sermon was on what you love more than God, and he talked about the rich young ruler that Jesus told to sell everything and give all the money to the poor. And here is the answer to my question, I love boys more than I love Jesus and I love the possibility of a relationship more than I love sitting down and spending time with my creator. If you knew me you would know that I've always been the friend that guys have and you would know that I've never had a decent relationship. I'm not the prettiest or the skinniest or even the most talented and sometimes I can just be, well, awkward. I'm just your average girl with nothing special to offer. I'm not exceptionally witty or fun to be with and I get frustrated at the dumbest things. I've never been the one that is pursued or chased or adored. So why do I keep trying? I just found out that I no longer know any single boys. My last single guy friend has found a girlfriend. But there is something that still won't dye, a monster within me that won't let go of the dream of a relationship. So how do I give this up, kill this dream and take hold of the love of Christ--it may be the only love I'll ever know.
It seems that I'm always waiting. Always waiting for something. Waiting to finish College, waiting to leave this continent, waiting for that special relationship and I'm STINKING TIRED OF WAITING.
I gave God an ultimatum last night, I told Him that either He lets me go to Africa now or He finds me a relationship. I quickly re-negged. Who am I to give Him an ultimatum? What does that prove except that I'm not mature enough for either. BAAAAAA can you smell my frustration? I can.
Why can't I just leave? Why do I always have to watch others get what they want?


Anyways, that's enough ranting for now, Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two....