Random dis-connectedness

As I lay here awake...I can't help but think. Think about life and God and art and music and pretty much everything else. I can't help but think about the way that life makes me feel, about how God makes me feel and art and music and pretty much everything else. For the past couple of months I've felt oppressed. Not an on the surface oppression, but a just beneath the surface oppression. I've been asking a lot of the hard questions lately, but not out loud. Never out loud, not even the smallest trace of a breath or even a whisper. Afraid that somehow my insecurity will over take me, and this vulnerability will take control. That somehow I will lose and these questions and thoughts won't stop. I feel like a kid who has been told to clean her room and instead of putting things away I've stashed them in the closet and now it's inspection time and my closet is threatening to betray me with every breath I take. I've really been questioning what it is to live as a Christian and how all of that fits into this world- or should the world fit into my living as Christian? I'm beginning to wonder if how I've been living and how we all have been living is exactly like Christ intended us to live. Recently I'm beginning to think that the opposite is true. I think that we have mashed up all of our human expectations and ideals and have projected them onto a God that stands for something different than what we claim. What is a Christian....I haven't the faintest idea and yet I stand before the world and tell them that I am one. I feel squished on all sides and strangely enough not from the world but from the limits that seem to be put on my title as a Christian. It's like I've traded everything I have for this. In a sense that is true, I have traded my life, my dreams, hopes and choices to follow my God but I didn't do it for a simple existence I did it for a life. Christ came so that I could have life in abundance and as I look around I don't see anyone in my circle of fellow Christians living life to the point of abundance or even making plans of doing so. All I see is a bunch of people sitting around with their noses in their Bibles keeping to the letter of the Law. I find myself running in the other direction. I am faced daily with the stereotype that as a Christian girl I am just waiting around for my husband instead of living and dreaming. Everywhere I look I am asked, "So are you a Bible-thumper?" (Would someone please explain to me what this is!!) And to tell the truth, I haven't cracked the sucker in a good couple of months.
I haven't written in my prayer journal since September 30th. There are moments in my life where I am so angry that my language could make a sailor blush. I drink, despite my mother's wishes. I've come to think, even though in no way do I condone this, that women should have a choice to have an abortion or not. I don't think that we should hold non-Christians to Christian standards no matter what they do. I don't think that Christians should hold governmental office. I agree with my sister when she says that all Christians have days where they are atheists. I think that we should live faith-based lives instead of Scripture-based lives. I can't stand the us VS. them mentality of Christianity. I think that if Satan were to walk on earth he would be the most atractive person you would have ever met and if you were to pass Jesus on the street you would have to double-take to make sure it really was Him. I think He is much different then we think. My best friend from high school turned out to be gay and I say love on him just like before and stop trying to scare him into believing in God. I think that drug addicts can be Christians and can possess more love for people that either you or I could. Every time I join my co-workers for a smoke break I am tempted to ask for a cigarette. Most of my music is not from Christian artists, infact some songs even have a few swears in them. I have struggled with depression and self-mutilation. I am 20 and I am single. There is still a sting from what happened in my last relationship and I'm not really motivated to date anyone. I don't want kids. I want to live in the middle of the city surrounded by artists and people who have different beliefs than I do. I get jealous. I get angry. I get sad, sometimes for days. Every time I see an unusual bright light in the night sky I find myself praying that it is my savior coming to take me home. I think that wonder is worship and, as romantic as it sounds, wonder is a key component to having a relationship with God. Joshua Harris makes me angry. I think that Kandinsky was right when he said that abstract paintings could reflect a heart of worship just as much as traditional iconographical paintings can. And I'm not really sure "Jesus loves you" is the answer to everything. Just because I’m saved doesn’t mean I have the right to judge. I think that more of life is lived in the gray areas than in the black and white.
Does this mean that I fail as a Christian? Really what do you think? Is your first impression “Wow, Dara, that is sad when did you fall away from your faith?”. Honestly is it? I'm not writing this to shock you. I'm just telling you where I stand. Please, if I am so wrong let me know and show me which direction I should walk in. I'm just laying my life on the line and telling you where I stand. It’s just that I am constantly reminded of my humanness and my need to acknowledge that. I’m just so tired of fake Christians and this over simplifying of life that comes along with our fear of questioning. I am happy, I really am. I love my God and I love my life and things are better than they have ever been but these questions and thoughts just keep gnawing at my soul. I’m just being real here people. If you feel the need to pray for me out of pity- go ahead, I could use prayer and so can you, it’s for everybody and all the time. Things with God are amazing. I’m really laying everything down before him, including all of this. I think that if you are honest enough with yourself you might find the same. Just pondering.
Thanks for listening.