Now what?

This post is seriously a cry from my heart. No pretending here. No cutsie little parrallels, no fun stories...just me.
For the past few days I have just wanted to cry. I have no idea howcome or what brought this on. My journal has filled with everything from the high notes of the utmost praise for my savior to the lowest notes of "why God?, why all of this heart ache?" Last summer was horrible. After being a relationship where repressing all of my desires and emotions seemed the only appropriate course of action--- I cracked. I hit rock bottom. I had to reach up to try my shoe laces. Severe depression coupled with a hectic schedule and the estrangement of friends left me one option. Self mutilation.
During the day I was a hard-working, happy, outgoing girl. But once the house was asleep and all I could hear was the rustling of the trees, I would fall apart. At some point crying out to God turned into cutting. And that spiraled into this horrible cycle of hating myself and cutting then hating my self for cutting so doing it again...and so on. Until I got caught...
Forced to stop, I eventually learned to do without and I started walking through my depression with the hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the light came, and when it came it was amazing. It was like God dropped out of the sky right there into my living room. I swear I could hear the very voice of God as He told me that I was loveable and that He loved me and wanted to restore everybit of my life. And that is what He did. In one night he broke my depression and spoke to me in ways that I never even imagined. I have seen my savior in a new light, not just as a lover but as a restorer. Precious few get to see that. I have truly been blessed and looking back I don't know if I would change a thing.
So why are you complaining you may ask?? Well my biggest fear is that I will walk through that depression again. I sooooo don't want to ever be there again. The thought of that separation from my maker makes me cry. Walking through a time in your life where you can't even see your hand in front of your face, honestly scares me.( I am not strong enough to do it again and I plead with you Lord not to make me do it again..I'm so scared. Can't you see how scared I am that I may be headed for that again...Lord I'm clinging to you, please don't let me go.)
Depression feels like your best friend died, it feels like the last person on this earth that you could ever trust has just died. You find yourself sleeping in to avoid the sun and you realize after a month or two that you haven't opened your window blinds for a while. You can't handle the day to day and laughing hurts..not physically but deep down inside of you, you know that it is fake.
Lord Jesus to you I life this fear. I love you and I thank you for restoring me. your love is amazing and your mercy is infinate.please Jesus stop this fear from taking hold and stop me from walking down that path again. Lord I lay at your feet. Tether me to your love and stop this anguish. Be the eye of the storm and protect me on all sides. Hold me Lord, Hold me...