How to let go...

Funny isn’t it, how this time last year I would make a list of things to be completed and life lessons I want so badly to learn before I turned 25? And ironically still is how on that list, somewhere towards the bottom I would put “learn what it means to surrender my love life to God”. Learn what it means to lay all of the relationships in my life at the footstool of my King and Creator and say to Him, “Do as you wish”. I thought that I had done just that, until lately.

            I don’t know if it is because I sit on the eve of my 25^th birthday, if it because I just finished school and am free to enter the world and actually start a career or if it is just a change in the seasons but I feel now like God is telling me to learn this lesson and like a debt collector is knocking on my door. And with every knock a tension grows inside my fragile heart.            

            I am a loyal and forgiving individual, always seeking for the good in people and applauding their efforts as they navigate the darkness that we so often find ourselves overwhelmed by. Characteristics and evidence of an indwelling and living God who cultivates our hearts like a tender vine dresser. At the end of the day that may be what I love the most about myself as I wade through all my insecurities and failures. It reminds me that there is One who loves greater and longer than I ever could and is close enough to give me the stamina and the drive to persevere when all I want to do is give up and crawl in a hole. I suppose the trap in that is that I never know when to let go, I never know when to face the fact that something is over and for the sake of my heart and those involved it would just be better to part. I never know when to just take my hands off and find some way to move on. Even in my darkest moments of hurt and betrayal, when my heart is worn out from fighting and stretched too thin I will always want to go back and start again.

            But what do you do when God says surrender? When God says let go? This is where I find myself. I realize that for Christians our whole lives are to be lived in surrender to the will of the Most High, and that seems like a fantastic idea and an easy one to follow through when you know that surrender means that things will stay the same or carry on just the way you like them. But what happens when “surrender” and “let go” become synonyms for “I don’t know how things are going to play out” and “I’ve never been in this place before”?

            I have been doing a lot of hanging out in the Old Testament. I guess in all of this I have been craving the council of Moses and Solomon as they listened and waited, their whole lives placed in the hands of a God who would bring salvation that they would never see the living proof of. And I keep coming back to the same truth. That my God is a jealous God, an all consuming fire.

            I don’t like fires, they rage out of control and all they leave are charred remains of a once beloved life. I think this is why I don’t like God as a fire. Because destruction is scary and unable to control. And to be honest, I love my life. The last thing I want is a fire raging through it. Or do I?

             When the Israelites were to take the promised land they were told to destroy everything and start from scratch. They were to kill all the people and destroy the buildings and the temples and the houses and all the plates and cups and jewelery. They were told to keep nothing so that their hearts would not be lead astray by the customs and the religions of the land and its previous inhabitants. This to me, although doesn’t speak of fire, speaks to be about the idea of God being a raging inferno. Keep none of it, is the message here, destroy it all, sure it might be pretty and useful and there are probably things that you don’t have that you will find a need for but destroy it none the less because one day it will lead you astray. Unless you destroy it in My name, it will lead you down a path I have already rescued you from so many times before. And astray is where I have been finding myself lately. So caught up in making things work that my head is going into overdrive solving problems that I haven’t even encountered yet and my heart is attaching its self to events that haven’t yet come to pass.

            So maybe I don’t love my life as much as I thought I did because lately it has been so full of anxiety and just plain old turmoil. Maybe I need that fire to show me just what is from the Lord and how much of it has been from the work of my own hands. Maybe that is how I let go. Just let the Lord be the all consuming fire and reduce my life to ashes.

Maybe I just hand my life with all of my relationships over to the Lord and watch them burn. I know this sounds pathetic and even just a little bit sadistic but I need to know how much my own hands have labored this year and ask God to take away all of my work and just rely on what He has done because it is front of Him that I kneel and not in front of my own works.

So I think that letting go means to no longer worry what the future holds for myself and those around me (which is a challenge because I worry so much I won’t sleep for days), I think it means doing a lot of asking the Lord to guide me step by step and being okay with sitting and waiting while He tells me which way to go. I think it means not getting so attached to what is going on and how I am feeling and getting more attached to what God is doing (or not doing). And I think that perhaps (duh) it means putting more of my energy in to my relationship with God and letting Him do all the talking in to those relationships instead of me and just trusting that all the joys and pain and sorrow and surprise comes with a purpose. I think that is how you let go. I hope that is how you let go, because I have been asking the Lord to become that all consuming fire.

I desire intimacy with the Savior more than anything and I hope that by trusting Him in this I will find that my feet are planted on solid ground. May I give it all up to Him because I don’t want to be led astray by this world any longer. 

25 by 25 update!!

Well, here I sit, we are almost 4 months into 2011 and I thought that I would give an update to how my 25 list is going. So far, not too bad. The only thing that I have missed was going to the Carnival D’Hiver in Quebec city. This has been a great challenge for me and although I am worried about just how much of it I will accomplish before December rolls around I know that it is the journey that transforms us and not simply the arrival at the end of the goal.

I would like to take this post and use it to highlight my plans for Lent. As many of you know, Lent is the season in which we give up that which makes it difficult to focus on the upcoming celebration of Easter. We take time to meditate on the sacrifice of Jesus and the ramifications of His undeserved death on the Cross. I have never been good at deciding what to give up for Lent and usually end up making a hasty decision the night before and forgetting about what I have given up with a week and a half. This year I thought that I would do it differently. That I would attack the idea of “giving something up” from a whole new angle.

That was when I stumbled upon the 25 Campaign by Invisible Children. Invisible Children is a organization that strives to end the war caused by Joseph Kony and his Lord’s Resistance Army. For 25 years these rebels have been terrorizing Northern Uganda and now have attacked villages in Southern Sudan, the DR Congo and the Central African Republic. The LRA consists of 90% child soldiers, many of whom where ripped from their families and schools and are now forced to carry out unspeakable acts of violence and torture. These attacks have forced many Ugandan citizens into Internally Displaced People’s camps and have separated families for nearly two generations.

So, this year, for Lent, I am giving up whatever distracts me from participating in this event and I am giving up forgetting the victims of this war and accepting it as a way of life. On April 25^th, Easter Monday, I will go silent for 25 hours. I will silence my voice so that the voices of those impacted by this tragedy can be heard.

However, I can’t do this alone. I need your help to raise money for the Protection Plan, a fund dedicated to providing isolated villages with the means to communicate with each other and to provide rehabilitaion for those left in the wake of Joseph Kony’s terror. My goal is to raise $25. A small goal, I know, but I am waiting to be amazed.

This war has gone on for the span of my lifetime and I feel that it is time to provide the people of Central Africa with a chance to heal and to just experience rest from this conflict. My suggestion is to pledge one dollar for every hour that I am silent, that amounts to only $25, less than a week’s worth of lattes from Starbucks (I know, I work there!) Your donation goes directly to the Protection Plan and allows Invisible Children to continue their work in Central Africa.

One of my greatest desires is to see this war end in my lifetime. And it is possible.

Here is the link to my donation page…

You can also find out more about Invisible Children and the 25 Campaign at www.invisiblechildren.com

Donate today!!

Thank you!

http://ic.stayclassy.org/member/ic-fundraising?fcid=25064

25x25....and thoughts on 2010

As 2010 looks over it’s shoulder for one last glance I felt that I would take a few moments and just sum it up.

It was one of the hardest and most rewarding years for me. I think that no other year thus far has met its quota of growth and discovery. I can’t wait to see what 2011 brings. In 2010 I discovered another part of my country, worked on making my second language less rusty, faced giants that I have cowered from, grown in the depth of my faith and watched as God provided for me step by step.

On January 1^st 2010, I rang in the New Year with friends and family and then stayed up for the rest of the night packing. At 6am my flight departed from the tiny Prince George airport, where I left my mom and my brother at the security gate and returned to Quebec. At that point in time no amount of convincing would make me believe that I would be where I am sitting today. I was picked up at the airport by friends and spent a few days relaxing and preparing my heart for the next term at Capernwray. We shopped and laughed and tried on boots and finally after what seemed like weeks of waiting we packed up Esther’s hand painted John Deere car, way beyond capacity, and headed to school.

As the year progressed I learned the depth of God’s mercy and grace as I faced giants that had tried to tame me for years. I saw His provision in the payments for trips and school. He came alive in me as I struggled for three weeks on a trip across Quebec in a language I hadn’t spoken for years. He showed me how I could be a help to heal and a force of love as those around me struggled and were stretched, simply because He had given me the strength and power to do so. He also drove me out into the wilderness where I learned how profound my need for Him was and how gray the horizon is without Him.

As I came back to spend my summer in BC, I was left to apply all that I had taken in during those last few terms at Capernwray and learn how to practically serve in my community. I learned to constantly leave my comfort zone as I took on new roles in Sunday school and worked alongside those who don’t care for the message of a loving Savior. I learned to just rest in Him and delight in all that He had put before me. We went to Seattle and just feasted on the abundance of a loving Lord, we celebrated my father’s 56^th birthday with Guinness and appetizer’s and it became so clear to me that God is above and beyond all of modern medicine and that it is always His plans that prevail.

In September my mom and I boarded another plane to move me back to Montreal. We spent a great but short week exploring the city and getting me settled. And before I knew it she was gone and I was on my own in the city. I started at a new Starbucks and settled in with friends and a new routine. I learned the challenge of living on my own and paying rent and electricity bills but through all of that I came to the understanding that just because I was no longer residing in the “Christian Bubble” God wasn’t done teaching me in very real ways. I learned to enjoy the community I was part of, no matter how small (three of us at most) and how to keep striving to know the Lord and make Him known. As winter approached I was shocked by the reality of His love and the depth of His affection for me. I was brought to my knees and I, for the first time, understood His indwelling life and how He lives and breathes in me. As the holidays approached a peace settled in my heart as the snow settled on the street below my window. And I knew that the blessings that met me in 2010 were here to stay in 2011 and would only multiply. God would continue to do what He had started that year and there was no need for fear or anxiety. So in the last few hours of 2010 I surrendered what needed to be surrendered and waited as the Lord lent His strength to that.

It was a great year of learning and blessing and I wouldn’t trade any moment of it.

As I look toward 2011, there are already a few themes on the surface. Patience, productivity and trust, to name a few of the big ones. I have never really been disciplined enough to follow through on New Year’s resolutions so I thought that I would try something different. Inspired by Jon Acuff’s 40 by 40 list and my friend Steph’s 30 by 30 list, here is my 25 by 25 list. All of these are things I want to accomplish in the next 11 months before I hit a quarter of a century. I am putting these up here to serve as an agent of accountability to make sure that they get done! And to invite you to challenge me to finish it because I know that I definitely won’t want to!!

So, here we go.

My 25x25 list…

I. Complete hair dressing school.

II. Visit the romance of the old port at least once a month.

III. Read my bible cover to cover.

IV. Learn how to make sushi. Good sushi.

V. Take a homeless person for lunch.

VI. Gain an ounce of self-confidence.

VII. Lose another 40 pounds.

VIII. Enjoy my singleness and understand that it isn’t about who is in love with me as much as it is about whom I am loving.

IX. Surrender my love life to God (family, friendships).

X. Do Lent this year. From start to finish.

XI. Sleep under the stars at least once.

XII. Dance at a wedding.

XIII. Go to the Carnival d'Hiver.

XIV. Learn to make Samosas. Good Samosas.

XV. Cover my wall with poetry.

XVI. Find 4 random reasons to host dinner parties and feed my friends.

XVII. Inquire about joining the Cathedral choir.

XVIII. Watch a sunrise from the chateau on Mount Royal.

XIX. Buy a nice kitchen knife.

XX. Donate my time to a cause I feel passionate about.

XXI. Overcome my fear of children by playing with them and talking to them every chance I get.

XXII. Learn what it means to be open and available to the will of God in all things.

XXIII. Eat at Safari Burger.

XXIV. Make soup. Lots of soup.

XXV. Actually do Christmas cards.